Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dating After Heartbreak
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How drunk are you??
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building