I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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