And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.