I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life