Texts From Last Night

maddix3luv's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat http://tfl.nu/m0wi
  Replies (11) Good night (4040) Bad night (1181) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade. http://tfl.nu/j0qu
  Replies (65) Good night (3089) Bad night (6197) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl? http://tfl.nu/nlrb
  Replies (37) Good night (6219) Bad night (1353) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS. http://tfl.nu/dubs
  Replies (59) Good night (6706) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!" http://tfl.nu/i1ig
  Replies (16) Good night (918) Bad night (3967) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
  Replies (40) Good night (34730) Bad night (1080)
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable. http://tfl.nu/q51j
  Replies (31) Good night (6459) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him http://tfl.nu/b7ho
  Replies (113) Good night (7493) Bad night (954)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend" http://tfl.nu/qrpo
  Replies (11) Good night (4298) Bad night (879)
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed. http://tfl.nu/yhbt
  Replies (15) Good night (1024) Bad night (5230) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
  Replies (96) Good night (12644) Bad night (1868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  the vacuum is drunk

  (703): View more from Virginia

  what?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): the vacuum is drunk (703): what? (908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk http://tfl.nu/sgxh
  Replies (17) Good night (2287) Bad night (305)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later http://tfl.nu/u7bo
  Replies (24) Good night (5841) Bad night (523)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!

  (804): View more from Virginia

  a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater! (804): a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf. (804): That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit. http://tfl.nu/wspf
  Replies (114) Good night (611) Bad night (2928)
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick http://tfl.nu/r1nb
  Replies (37) Good night (1219) Bad night (7435) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep. http://tfl.nu/k8wl
  Replies (17) Good night (6345) Bad night (1829) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
  Replies (52) Good night (10134) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals. http://tfl.nu/6f3c
  Replies (48) Good night (3326) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this... http://tfl.nu/5zp7
  Replies (29) Good night (1054) Bad night (4878)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
  Replies (132) Good night (12127) Bad night (24666)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick. http://tfl.nu/ongn
  Replies (27) Good night (6062) Bad night (712)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over http://tfl.nu/x2t5
  Replies (318) Good night (5241) Bad night (2760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me http://tfl.nu/jltn
  Replies (49) Good night (498) Bad night (6338) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control? http://tfl.nu/y9i1
  Replies (27) Good night (1309) Bad night (3403) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?! (267): This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room.. (609): AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?! http://tfl.nu/dtle
  Replies (37) Good night (432) Bad night (3260)
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  Are your eyes okay

  (260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if I was Asian they would be

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes (1-260): Are your eyes okay (260): I mean if I was Asian they would be http://tfl.nu/l3r4
  Replies (8) Good night (1744) Bad night (353)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say. http://tfl.nu/fs2e
  Replies (70) Good night (9815) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
  Replies (53) Good night (26454) Bad night (1094) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack. http://tfl.nu/ptag
  Replies (32) Good night (1027) Bad night (8394)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax
  Replies (22) Good night (6947) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket http://tfl.nu/j6rw
  Replies (8) Good night (3402) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey" http://tfl.nu/8m25
  Replies (29) Good night (6385) Bad night (1276) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'. (215): we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/6wc5
  Replies (27) Good night (6308) Bad night (490)
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska. http://tfl.nu/wvmg
  Replies (25) Good night (594) Bad night (4365) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one. http://tfl.nu/fj7c
  Replies (7) Good night (8259) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep. http://tfl.nu/xylt
  Replies (52) Good night (1303) Bad night (7769) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot. http://tfl.nu/sr3w
  Replies (19) Good night (8981) Bad night (1001)
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair http://tfl.nu/0fee
  Replies (16) Good night (6012) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever. http://tfl.nu/y7ox
  Replies (47) Good night (3883) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle? (1-614): i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you. http://tfl.nu/6cnp
  Replies (34) Good night (348) Bad night (3627)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it. http://tfl.nu/a1l8
  Replies (7) Good night (4518) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  That's the best idea I've heard all day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls. (1-248): That's the best idea I've heard all day. http://tfl.nu/w1qi
  Replies (30) Good night (8666) Bad night (2307)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight http://tfl.nu/nfvu
  Replies (48) Good night (12354) Bad night (1090) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like http://tfl.nu/ol8k
  Replies (72) Good night (12119) Bad night (894) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors http://tfl.nu/k8g7
  Replies (8) Good night (5195) Bad night (1615) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
  Replies (30) Good night (18889) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
  Replies (25) Good night (9702) Bad night (1088)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants http://tfl.nu/j8mk
  Replies (8) Good night (744) Bad night (4949) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
  Replies (20) Good night (1369) Bad night (6393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life (541): Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard http://tfl.nu/54p5
  Replies (27) Good night (2403) Bad night (6022)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
  Replies (27) Good night (12292) Bad night (1080) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt http://tfl.nu/1w5z
  Replies (11) Good night (674) Bad night (2733) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!" http://tfl.nu/halh
  Replies (7) Good night (1067) Bad night (3562) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica http://tfl.nu/womi
  Replies (9) Good night (4399) Bad night (1161)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive. http://tfl.nu/z8kz
  Replies (19) Good night (6799) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein http://tfl.nu/1rbx
  Replies (36) Good night (4799) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Toronto

  No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags http://tfl.nu/jbrv
  Replies (24) Good night (1318) Bad night (3694) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance. http://tfl.nu/2gcf
  Replies (32) Good night (12897) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (137) Good night (36758) Bad night (1052)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes. http://tfl.nu/pvjr
  Replies (43) Good night (3117) Bad night (859) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed http://tfl.nu/nwxf
  Replies (15) Good night (3857) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream. http://tfl.nu/v6je
  Replies (37) Good night (6536) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper. (1-912): Who leaves their car unlocked at night? (912): Someone who wants to read the newspaper. http://tfl.nu/c19o
  Replies (23) Good night (6657) Bad night (384)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car http://tfl.nu/skxr
  Replies (22) Good night (6804) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx
  Replies (26) Good night (3610) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
  Replies (29) Good night (9723) Bad night (734)
• Favorite

  (786): View more from Florida

  I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (786): I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me. http://tfl.nu/ua0x
  Replies (12) Good night (4176) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny http://tfl.nu/a88g
  Replies (17) Good night (6107) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (117) Good night (25289) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing. http://tfl.nu/4f2e
  Replies (8) Good night (4334) Bad night (699)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate. http://tfl.nu/5lpe
  Replies (13) Good night (5647) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look. http://tfl.nu/n3uw
  Replies (16) Good night (4583) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them http://tfl.nu/sgsu
  Replies (10) Good night (562) Bad night (2770) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride http://tfl.nu/utbu
  Replies (47) Good night (797) Bad night (7280) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  All of them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want? (1-812): All of them http://tfl.nu/mhdi
  Replies (42) Good night (9330) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be http://tfl.nu/0ihg
  Replies (59) Good night (7833) Bad night (661) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. http://tfl.nu/1b0y
  Replies (57) Good night (943) Bad night (7060)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I just saw the nastiest chick.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  Where?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I just saw the nastiest chick. (1-603): Where? (603): woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you http://tfl.nu/hbsk
  Replies (43) Good night (1002) Bad night (7951)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Whore.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I was being facetious

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Don't try to hide behind big words.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): Whore. (832): I was being facetious (540): Don't try to hide behind big words. http://tfl.nu/w180
  Replies (2) Good night (1806) Bad night (395)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog http://tfl.nu/ui9n
  Replies (61) Good night (475) Bad night (2739) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me http://tfl.nu/osg9
  Replies (45) Good night (7623) Bad night (897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that" (1-630): Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere. http://tfl.nu/8i7j
  Replies (11) Good night (742) Bad night (2439)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something! http://tfl.nu/qltt
  Replies (14) Good night (515) Bad night (1508) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this." http://tfl.nu/1p18
  Replies (15) Good night (3723) Bad night (4568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance http://tfl.nu/wpko
  Replies (10) Good night (5994) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie. http://tfl.nu/xp3y
  Replies (36) Good night (6777) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway. http://tfl.nu/8j56
  Replies (10) Good night (296) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me." http://tfl.nu/vnft
  Replies (41) Good night (7591) Bad night (1541)
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way http://tfl.nu/08qt
  Replies (22) Good night (8725) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow. http://tfl.nu/8b4m
  Replies (13) Good night (8291) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals... (1-217): please don't ever take me to a strip club again... http://tfl.nu/2ds8
  Replies (29) Good night (5639) Bad night (1387)
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  and...?

  (936): View more from Texas

  I told him it was alright.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him. (812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright. http://tfl.nu/yirn
  Replies (28) Good night (3610) Bad night (5262)
• Favorite

  (819): View more from Quebec

  its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (819): its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger http://tfl.nu/0bs6
  Replies (10) Good night (3526) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (101) Good night (36403) Bad night (1392)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (13668) Bad night (3307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
  Replies (44) Good night (15981) Bad night (801)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
  Replies (54) Good night (28557) Bad night (1109) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing. http://tfl.nu/y30j
  Replies (20) Good night (8497) Bad night (788) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  idk, I had a turtle in mine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat? (1-941): idk, I had a turtle in mine. http://tfl.nu/ag7m
  Replies (30) Good night (3386) Bad night (5064) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): You do realize it's a Tuesday, right? (1-586): You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life. http://tfl.nu/em8w
  Replies (22) Good night (7559) Bad night (468)
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7
  Replies (49) Good night (8441) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  oh fuck your right

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can. (1-214): oh fuck your right http://tfl.nu/6rmf
  Replies (21) Good night (4015) Bad night (451)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  wtf?

  (904): View more from Florida

  It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum' (1-904): wtf? (904): It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend' http://tfl.nu/kgyk
  Replies (14) Good night (4063) Bad night (585)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Have you learned any life lessons?

  (406): View more from Montana

  I like big butts and I cannot lie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Have you learned any life lessons? (406): I like big butts and I cannot lie. http://tfl.nu/s51u
  Replies (11) Good night (2403) Bad night (343)
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I tried to use my car keys to open my door

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  I just started a sentence with yellow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): I tried to use my car keys to open my door (1-778): I just started a sentence with yellow. http://tfl.nu/gagl
  Replies (9) Good night (1271) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q
  Replies (24) Good night (9986) Bad night (944) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  No, it just says ur easy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead? (787): No, it just says ur easy http://tfl.nu/6cbn
  Replies (22) Good night (724) Bad night (1347)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
  Replies (200) Good night (38525) Bad night (2837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat. http://tfl.nu/yzbr
  Replies (19) Good night (11967) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with. http://tfl.nu/q53z
  Replies (29) Good night (1146) Bad night (1603)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder http://tfl.nu/q5de
  Replies (4) Good night (495) Bad night (1374) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  and it's going to stay that way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other (413): and it's going to stay that way http://tfl.nu/bh5o
  Replies (11) Good night (510) Bad night (2653)
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
  Replies (97) Good night (41863) Bad night (1189)
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed. http://tfl.nu/26az
  Replies (35) Good night (3559) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?

  (914): View more from New York

  please be gone before i get back

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf? (914): please be gone before i get back http://tfl.nu/y347
  Replies (2) Good night (450) Bad night (1133)
• Favorite

  (389): View more from

  So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (389): So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut" http://tfl.nu/g5tq
  Replies (4) Good night (873) Bad night (258) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...

  (1-504): View more from Louisiana

  dude, i think you're in initiation!

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  shit. that's not good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): idk, it's all black and i hear low talking... (1-504): dude, i think you're in initiation! (504): shit. that's not good. http://tfl.nu/abg7
  Replies (14) Good night (294) Bad night (835)
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  go home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy (203): go home http://tfl.nu/91uo
  Replies (28) Good night (6622) Bad night (709)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her? http://tfl.nu/5pe0
  Replies (39) Good night (6993) Bad night (1375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (171) Good night (49214) Bad night (5112)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
  Replies (99) Good night (25096) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you. http://tfl.nu/x6wp
  Replies (9) Good night (5656) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
  Replies (155) Good night (15026) Bad night (1415)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

  (415): View more from California

  yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk (415): yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts http://tfl.nu/5sxt
  Replies (49) Good night (8024) Bad night (948)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks. http://tfl.nu/kxma
  Replies (34) Good night (1843) Bad night (2252)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck the hobbit

  (301): View more from Maryland

  what about unicorns?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck those pointy horses

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): fuck the hobbit (301): what about unicorns? (732): fuck those pointy horses http://tfl.nu/k7om
  Replies (9) Good night (2337) Bad night (444)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Tell her she can't have a vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Tell her she can't have a vagina http://tfl.nu/krch
  Replies (3) Good night (577) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple http://tfl.nu/6ez5
  Replies (8) Good night (527) Bad night (1457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

  (614): View more from Ohio

  handstands? WTF?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  she was a gymnast

  (614): View more from Ohio

   go to hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY (614): handstands? WTF? (405): she was a gymnast (614): go to hell. http://tfl.nu/pyfe
  Replies (9) Good night (2565) Bad night (271)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick. http://tfl.nu/cye7
  Replies (9) Good night (3682) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Toronto

  i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  i totally said that

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight (1-905): i totally said that http://tfl.nu/40bc
  Replies (19) Good night (3696) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (936): View more from Texas

  Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

  (1-936): View more from Texas

  Can I eat your pillow?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (936): Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow. (1-936): Can I eat your pillow? http://tfl.nu/ozwu
  Replies (7) Good night (5024) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  im getting a BJ in a closet

  (205): View more from Alabama

  and a penguin just handed me a bong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): im getting a BJ in a closet (205): and a penguin just handed me a bong http://tfl.nu/oarm
  Replies (60) Good night (11782) Bad night (583)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever. http://tfl.nu/cy9z
  Replies (195) Good night (10196) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind. http://tfl.nu/8l0m
  Replies (57) Good night (11892) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly. http://tfl.nu/a3gz
  Replies (21) Good night (5521) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it. http://tfl.nu/3oo8
  Replies (17) Good night (494) Bad night (5500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis" http://tfl.nu/6z4n
  Replies (29) Good night (12257) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex." http://tfl.nu/vl6s
  Replies (24) Good night (4687) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut! http://tfl.nu/fz7u
  Replies (31) Good night (5548) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow. http://tfl.nu/rpb6
  Replies (37) Good night (2643) Bad night (3976) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun" http://tfl.nu/u1ro
  Replies (34) Good night (7218) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game? http://tfl.nu/evbk
  Replies (317) Good night (6884) Bad night (1515) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef http://tfl.nu/mi4v
  Replies (33) Good night (6557) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover http://tfl.nu/6ccc
  Replies (46) Good night (5135) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
  Replies (57) Good night (16064) Bad night (762)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room. (1-480): Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess? (480): You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about. http://tfl.nu/fd7a
  Replies (38) Good night (6969) Bad night (424)
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

  (352): View more from Florida

  Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself. (352): Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad. http://tfl.nu/hkrc
  Replies (41) Good night (1304) Bad night (3847)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  fucking a dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i mean: fucking a, dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  wow, that comma made all the difference there

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): fucking a dude (703): i mean: fucking a, dude (703): wow, that comma made all the difference there http://tfl.nu/2m4f
  Replies (92) Good night (10616) Bad night (658)
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

  (415): View more from California

  and she bought it?!?

  (650): View more from California

  yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah (415): and she bought it?!? (650): yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes http://tfl.nu/zwxp
  Replies (28) Good night (7853) Bad night (478)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (49055) Bad night (2223) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  no more hot dogs for you........

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  fine no more vajj for you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): no more hot dogs for you........ (1-740): fine no more vajj for you http://tfl.nu/8nwe
  Replies (22) Good night (485) Bad night (2519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  if you ask that question again our friendship is over

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high" (1-205): if you ask that question again our friendship is over http://tfl.nu/wy8m
  Replies (19) Good night (3398) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile http://tfl.nu/cr7n
  Replies (27) Good night (859) Bad night (2360) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles" http://tfl.nu/049n
  Replies (62) Good night (12309) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
  Replies (33) Good night (18483) Bad night (1736)
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him. http://tfl.nu/aa9y
  Replies (34) Good night (2630) Bad night (4158) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.

  (310): View more from California

  I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail. (310): I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore. http://tfl.nu/tf34
  Replies (11) Good night (3388) Bad night (732)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (285) Good night (60328) Bad night (3668)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards? http://tfl.nu/ktqz
  Replies (66) Good night (16440) Bad night (1690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot. http://tfl.nu/lv0c
  Replies (101) Good night (1309) Bad night (4353) Order T-Shirt