To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
my being single is dangerous.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.