how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
