Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she peed on how many people?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.