Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What should our trivia night team be named?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period