Texts From Last Night · annekohnduh's Favorites

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(703): View more from Virginia

You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

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(714): View more from California

I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.

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(954): View more from Florida

Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer

(1-954): View more from Florida

That Cesar Milan is captivating

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(561): View more from Florida

And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out

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(408): View more from California

I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

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(904): View more from Florida

my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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(619): View more from California

Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep

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(863): View more from Florida

Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(540): View more from Virginia

What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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(314): View more from Missouri

I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?

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(314): View more from Missouri

My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig

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(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(408): View more from California

You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.

(614): View more from Ohio

Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.

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(616): View more from Michigan

the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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(817): View more from Texas

If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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(510): View more from California

The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(310): View more from California

I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls

(415): View more from California

Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(440): View more from Ohio

But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.

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(213): View more from California

I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(636): View more from Missouri

Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(719): View more from Colorado

new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(941): View more from Florida

Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(443): View more from Maryland

He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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(310): View more from California

if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(586): View more from Michigan

You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot

(586): View more from Michigan

That was very cool/italian of you

(586): View more from Michigan

Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(760): View more from California

dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

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(785): View more from Kansas

I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(954): View more from Florida

I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(408): View more from California

You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now

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(248): View more from Michigan

Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(816): View more from Missouri

Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(925): View more from California

i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on

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(858): View more from California

Fuck U Mike is a golden god.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Mike give steph back her phone.

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(415): View more from California

i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(319): View more from Iowa

should my penis look like a turkey

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...

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(817): View more from Texas

he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

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(419): View more from Ohio

It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(801): View more from Utah

My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

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(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

(502): View more from Kentucky

Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(301): View more from Maryland

Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.

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