You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You're like the curious george of whores
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
should my penis look like a turkey
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.