My room smells like vodka and shame
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
