I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dating After Heartbreak
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Wipe that smile off your face.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow