Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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