Texts From Last Night · tigersnoodle's Favorites

tigersnoodle's Favorites Texts:

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(214): View more from Texas

Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(903): View more from Texas

she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(219): View more from Indiana

Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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(360): View more from Washington

Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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(650): View more from California

I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!

(917): View more from New York City

question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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(917): View more from New York City

Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(248): View more from Michigan

so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(530): View more from California

I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(909): View more from California

so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

(1-909): View more from California

I worship thee.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(845): View more from New York

just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I gave up sex for lent.

(646): View more from New York

I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.

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(631): View more from New York

being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(586): View more from Michigan

i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(949): View more from California

they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store

(949): View more from California

I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.

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(816): View more from Missouri

believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me

(847): View more from Illinois

No promises.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(907): View more from Alaska

The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

(907): View more from Alaska

Nevermind, it's not water.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.

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(219): View more from Indiana

talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(207): View more from Maine

hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(303): View more from Colorado

No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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(517): View more from Michigan

the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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