arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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