so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
its not stalking. its research.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm going to jail i love you
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
look no pants
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I met the friendliest cop last night
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.