Texts From Last Night · olliethemagicbum's Favorites

Sorry bellucy27 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

olliethemagicbum's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....

Fav 0 32 13
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Have you heard yourself have sex?

(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm not THAT loud...

(605): View more from South Dakota

My neighbors filed a noise complaint.

Fav 2 76 13
share tweet

(440): View more from Ohio

so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Those bitches did NOT have my back.

Fav 0 65 8
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

It all started with a game of naked twister.

Fav 3 95 11
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me

Fav 2 75 10
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?

Fav 2 38 8
share tweet

(919): View more from North Carolina

idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?

Fav 1 59 20
share tweet

(615): View more from Tennessee

Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.

(931): View more from Tennessee

No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.

(615): View more from Tennessee

See now that sounds like drunk Katie.

Fav 1 115 16
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.

Fav 1 55 13
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.

Fav 1 105 11
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.

Fav 2 131 12
share tweet

(778): View more from British Columbia

Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out

Fav 0 70 2
share tweet

(775): View more from Nevada

have fuck

(775): View more from Nevada

*fun

(775): View more from Nevada

actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good

Fav 0 99 10
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.

Fav 0 55 2
share tweet

(619): View more from California

My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?

Fav 1 77 10
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.

Fav 2 85 12
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Still fucking the ballerina?

(1-917): View more from New York City

She can put her legs behind her head.

(917): View more from New York City

Enough said

Fav 0 110 10
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us

Fav 0 115 9
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.

Fav 0 68 21
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?

Fav 0 53 4
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.

Fav 1 89 6
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY

Fav 1 63 16
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.

(805): View more from California

So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.

Fav 1 58 11
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.

Fav 0 96 9
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.

(818): View more from California

Yes. To all of that. Yes.

Fav 1 66 10
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'

Fav 1 41 6
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.

Fav 1 58 13
share tweet
(650): View more from California

passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.

Fav 0 99 9
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?

Fav 0 50 14
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.

Fav 1 54 7
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.

Fav 0 41 14
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."

Fav 1 45 5
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?

Fav 1 78 13
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?

Fav 0 42 6
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.

Fav 0 65 25
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...

Fav 0 55 10
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.

Fav 1 125 9
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm afraid to ask, but go on.

Fav 1 90 17
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...

Fav 1 86 9
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.

Fav 1 76 14
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.

Fav 4 135 6
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.

Fav 1 130 10
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing

(703): View more from Virginia

ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated

Fav 0 51 20
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

what the fuck is wrong with you

(702): View more from Nevada

Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?

Fav 1 138 12
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

All I want is dick and wine.

Fav 1 78 16
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender

Fav 0 53 7
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.

(314): View more from Missouri

Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.

Fav 4 163 36
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....

Fav 2 64 6
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Are you drunk already?

(415): View more from California

Not already - at LAST.

Fav 0 113 6
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.

Fav 1 57 11
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.

Fav 2 97 11
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!

Fav 2 204 12
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper

Fav 1 89 12
share tweet
(045): View more from

Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.

Fav 1 88 11
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.

Fav 1 43 12
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day

Fav 0 62 10
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.

Fav 2 119 13
share tweet
(858): View more from California

My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.

Fav 2 128 5
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!

Fav 1 84 7
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.

Fav 2 75 12
share tweet
(909): View more from California

did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?

Fav 1 61 9
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single

Fav 0 64 16
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.

Fav 1 80 26
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"

Fav 1 82 20
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do

(1-970): View more from Colorado

enjoy it.

Fav 1 119 15
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.

Fav 0 69 13
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.

(714): View more from California

Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.

Fav 1 105 16
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.

Fav 0 80 5
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.

Fav 3 93 19
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

How was jagerbomb pong?

(314): View more from Missouri

It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice

Fav 1 86 9
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.

Fav 1 61 8
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!

(404): View more from Georgia

Shut up Max.

Fav 1 107 20
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it

Fav 1 74 12
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.

Fav 0 35 30
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.

Fav 1 28 6
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.

Fav 1 45 7
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..

Fav 1 45 22
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.

Fav 0 61 6
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof

(206): View more from Washington

nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?

(808): View more from Hawaii

try again roofio

Fav 2 71 14
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.

Fav 2 50 4
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey what you doing tonight?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

See you in about a hour

Fav 0 95 8
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I think he fucked my hip out of place.

Fav 1 55 7
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.

Fav 1 84 19
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho

Fav 0 60 2
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.

Fav 0 51 8
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.

Fav 0 78 20
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.

Fav 0 60 10
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?

(1-863): View more from Florida

Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".

Fav 1 52 10
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?

Fav 1 81 18
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.

Fav 3 127 23
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo

Fav 4 114 20
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!

Fav 6 140 11
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"

Fav 2 78 10
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.

Fav 0 65 23
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend

Fav 0 92 14
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.

Fav 0 114 25
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on

Fav 2 79 22
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.

Fav 2 72 23
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams

Fav 4 72 12
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making

Fav 1 53 14
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...

Fav 1 61 12
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early

Fav 1 55 17
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming

Fav 3 86 16
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!

Fav 1 130 12
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.

(972): View more from Texas

At least he's honest about how long he'll last.

Fav 1 111 22
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.

Fav 2 91 14
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Where is Holly?

(647): View more from Ontario

Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down

Fav 1 97 17
share tweet
(909): View more from California

ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode

Fav 2 89 19
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Fav 0 82 21
share tweet
(415): View more from California

WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???

Fav 1 53 10
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.

(647): View more from Ontario

lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left

Fav 2 147 17
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am

Fav 1 123 15
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.

Fav 1 85 17
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno

Fav 2 118 27
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit

Fav 5 119 10
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.

Fav 1 123 14
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course

Fav 1 128 12
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

only i would get off to receiving death threats online

Fav 1 33 23
share tweet
(209): View more from California

He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.

Fav 0 70 31
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.

Fav 1 188 33
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

It's not a walk of shame if you run

Fav 3 100 19
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?

Fav 0 68 23
share tweet
(939): View more from Puerto Rico

So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!

Fav 2 95 26
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."

Fav 5 98 22
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE

Fav 2 154 19
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.

(248): View more from Michigan

I was...perplexed.

Fav 1 79 35
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.

Fav 3 154 25
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.

Fav 0 141 7
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..

Fav 2 158 14
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."

Fav 3 104 19
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?

Fav 2 121 8
share tweet
(707): View more from California

There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.

Fav 1 73 6
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.

Fav 4 79 23
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.

Fav 0 84 7
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags

Fav 1 24 45
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?

Fav 1 158 8
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.

Fav 3 124 18
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.

Fav 0 97 21
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms

Fav 1 79 13
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.

(206): View more from Washington

Definitely not.

Fav 2 91 7
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.

Fav 2 156 12
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.

Fav 3 167 7
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.

Fav 1 124 13
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.

Fav 2 72 19
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.

Fav 1 77 19
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Naked. Naked is my favorite color.

Fav 2 92 11
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence

Fav 2 110 15
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar

Fav 5 76 20
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.

(954): View more from Florida

God I love you.

Fav 1 131 27
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"

Fav 0 118 24
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts

Fav 4 128 31
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*

Fav 2 68 36
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me

Fav 2 139 18
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.

Fav 5 121 18
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram

Fav 1 60 8
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me

Fav 2 58 10
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass

Fav 1 82 7
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.

Fav 1 117 10
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?

Fav 1 110 15
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.

Fav 3 23 82
share tweet
(+36): View more from

You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.

Fav 0 60 3
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?

Fav 2 37 17
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU

Fav 1 79 13
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!

Fav 1 80 7
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.

Fav 2 101 15
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY

(765): View more from Indiana

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS

Fav 0 65 18
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar

Fav 1 56 13
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.

Fav 3 125 12
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask

Fav 3 56 9
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!

Fav 1 69 6
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?

Fav 1 102 10
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.

Fav 0 84 6
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.

Fav 3 64 12
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.

Fav 3 82 8
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops

Fav 1 118 15
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness

(775): View more from Nevada

Thats so sweet

Fav 0 72 4
share tweet
(682): View more from Texas

Okay so I just had a really great idea

(817): View more from Texas

no.

Fav 1 156 10
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive

Fav 1 57 18
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.

Fav 1 91 5
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!

Fav 2 86 13
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.

Fav 1 174 14
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.

Fav 4 78 4
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.

Fav 3 72 7
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?

(256): View more from Alabama

You're a true patriot.

Fav 1 131 18
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.

Fav 1 136 10
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?

Fav 3 87 11
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.

Fav 0 90 10
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.

Fav 2 121 15
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"

Fav 2 112 11
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?

Fav 5 129 10
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.

Fav 1 86 18
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...

Fav 2 62 12
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".

Fav 4 117 13
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

ayo

(1-917): View more from New York City

its like you know when i get waxed

Fav 3 95 15
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices

Fav 2 96 10
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

Fav 2 43 20
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary

Fav 0 178 95
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?

Fav 0 78 22
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.

Fav 0 85 16
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.

Fav 0 68 9
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"

Fav 5 197 17
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off

Fav 1 252 25
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.

Fav 6 216 24
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.

Fav 4 149 11
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0

Fav 1 228 17
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yes

Fav 0 112 11
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.

Fav 3 149 18
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.

Fav 2 111 5
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.

Fav 3 113 9
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?

(303): View more from Colorado

They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.

Fav 3 139 24
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.

Fav 2 128 11
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

either way he's in for disappointment

Fav 2 183 19
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?

Fav 6 179 19
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.

(740): View more from Ohio

Keep him.

Fav 2 126 19
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY

Fav 2 73 13
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music

Fav 0 144 16
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.

Fav 0 84 20
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.

Fav 0 155 10
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress

Fav 3 183 14
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.

Fav 3 69 24
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA

Fav 2 123 20
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.

Fav 2 201 104
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.

Fav 2 178 86
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad

Fav 2 272 91
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.

Fav 0 310 132
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..

Fav 0 193 104
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.

Fav 0 149 78
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick

Fav 2 222 71
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.

Fav 1 110 87
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.

Fav 0 227 63
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.

Fav 2 223 119
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.

Fav 1 191 61
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Drunk is not a location!

Fav 1 116 85
share tweet
(058): View more from

Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?

Fav 2 159 79
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am available for nakedness

Fav 1 174 64
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....

Fav 2 257 112
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I need a hobby that isn't dick related

Fav 2 154 102
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight

Fav 0 211 104
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."

Fav 2 348 120
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...

Fav 9 404 119
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.

(303): View more from Colorado

Twice?!

Fav 0 242 95
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.

Fav 5 223 102
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.

Fav 5 383 134
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."

Fav 1 254 81
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.

Fav 2 228 101
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!

Fav 3 394 139
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference

Fav 1 208 127
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.

Fav 1 322 124
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.

Fav 0 225 71
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.

Fav 0 128 87
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.

Fav 1 283 106
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me

Fav 3 348 113
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."

Fav 0 186 83
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?

Fav 0 159 100
share tweet
(909): View more from California

She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.

Fav 2 245 84
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested

Fav 0 184 86
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.

Fav 1 184 99
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.

Fav 0 210 83
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?

Fav 2 348 109
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday

Fav 0 260 77
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.

Fav 1 317 140
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?

Fav 1 224 126
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza

Fav 2 290 108
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???

Fav 0 202 110
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.

Fav 0 203 69
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

what food is Colorado known for?

(970): View more from Colorado

Pot brownies.

Fav 3 242 135
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?

Fav 6 207 83
share tweet
(831): View more from California

He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.

Fav 1 239 88
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.

Fav 0 231 137
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?

Fav 0 275 121
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.

Fav 2 293 116
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.

Fav 0 207 93
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony

Fav 1 218 129
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.

Fav 1 284 121
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.

Fav 1 215 69
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.

Fav 3 389 132
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake

Fav 4 574 143
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.

Fav 3 446 106
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.

Fav 1 243 111
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.

Fav 0 421 139
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.

Fav 0 374 99
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today

Fav 4 335 92
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??

Fav 0 389 57
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life

Fav 0 278 101
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once

Fav 2 388 85
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.

Fav 0 415 127
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..

Fav 2 199 133
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you

Fav 1 339 109
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off

Fav 1 168 151
share tweet
(650): View more from California

This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos

Fav 3 403 105
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.

Fav 0 362 118
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us

Fav 4 295 175
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.

Fav 3 304 80
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.

Fav 2 345 144
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.

Fav 8 831 229
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"

Fav 2 316 247
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.

Fav 2 671 181
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.

(210): View more from Texas

100%

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.

Fav 1 510 199
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.

Fav 1 353 159
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.

Fav 1 455 239
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.

Fav 0 541 215
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.

Fav 2 278 355
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck

Fav 1 424 148
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down

Fav 0 448 169
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip

Fav 0 386 184
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."

Fav 3 387 202
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard

Fav 1 491 182
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.

Fav 1 332 241
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?

Fav 3 378 229
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?

Fav 4 473 178
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread

Fav 0 356 135
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Sorry for trying to baptize you last night

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed

Fav 1 559 187
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.

Fav 7 409 171
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.

Fav 1 368 156
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.

Fav 1 334 155
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I would professionally fuck the shit out of her

Fav 2 452 220
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.

Fav 0 397 203
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis

Fav 0 441 165
share tweet
(+39): View more from

He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...

Fav 0 420 146
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.

Fav 2 418 129
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.

Fav 0 342 144
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?

Fav 0 246 141
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.

Fav 6 710 189
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.

Fav 3 367 202
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

"Accidentally" bump into him after class.

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.

Fav 4 664 192
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.

Fav 1 258 182
share tweet
(408): View more from California

You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house

Fav 1 522 120
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

drinks after work?

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

that question mark offends me.

Fav 1 574 124
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.

(601): View more from Mississippi

That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.

Fav 0 379 149
share tweet
(760): View more from California

If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies

Fav 3 612 188
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.

Fav 2 459 106
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins

Fav 1 642 206
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.

Fav 0 477 181
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up

Fav 1 339 158
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?

Fav 6 627 201
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like

Fav 3 277 210
share tweet
(424): View more from California

My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?

Fav 3 591 199
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run

Fav 1 323 166
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.

Fav 1 536 192
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind

Fav 1 290 136
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

The power of my boobs compel you

Fav 3 365 146
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.

Fav 2 289 123
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs

Fav 1 337 179
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.

Fav 1 655 175
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.

Fav 1 483 194
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.

Fav 1 572 209
share tweet