Texts From Last Night · meatball1105's Favorites

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(503): View more from Oregon

Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(407): View more from Florida

You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(937): View more from Ohio

we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.

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(469): View more from Texas

The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash

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(410): View more from Maryland

SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.

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(914): View more from New York

If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.

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(207): View more from Maine

I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(410): View more from Maryland

There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(616): View more from Michigan

he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(319): View more from Iowa

More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Boobs speak an international language.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(206): View more from Washington

Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(443): View more from Maryland

EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME

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(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body

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(816): View more from Missouri

Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

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(325): View more from Texas

I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(972): View more from Texas

If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore

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(830): View more from Texas

Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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(516): View more from New York

Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(949): View more from California

just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL

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(718): View more from New York

3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(727): View more from Florida

He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide

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(229): View more from Georgia

He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...

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(443): View more from Maryland

You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend

(703): View more from Virginia

You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(352): View more from Florida

Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.

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(219): View more from Indiana

LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

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(940): View more from Texas

He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.

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(360): View more from Washington

It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(970): View more from Colorado

sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.

(404): View more from Georgia

I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?

(706): View more from Georgia

Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.

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(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(224): View more from Illinois

At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk

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(817): View more from Texas

Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

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(530): View more from California

Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.

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(850): View more from Florida

Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(313): View more from Michigan

Already got asked if we're dating

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(256): View more from Alabama

There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.

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(917): View more from New York City

My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(516): View more from New York

Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(818): View more from California

I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.

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(818): View more from California

yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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(818): View more from California

people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.

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(360): View more from Washington

What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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(415): View more from California

She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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(310): View more from California

u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.

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(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010

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(407): View more from Florida

I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we'll go far in life on tits alone.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

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(956): View more from Texas

The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.

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(404): View more from Georgia

NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(606): View more from Kentucky

If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

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(941): View more from Florida

I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(212): View more from New York

I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(213): View more from California

I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.

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(107): View more from

That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(641): View more from Iowa

What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina

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(631): View more from New York

It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(512): View more from Texas

its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite

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(250): View more from British Columbia

At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.

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(850): View more from Florida

I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.

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(410): View more from Maryland

And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

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(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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(410): View more from Maryland

As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(607): View more from New York

I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.

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