Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Boobs speak an international language.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Already got asked if we're dating
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.