Texts From Last Night

grampa's Favorites Texts:

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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "

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  (317): I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time " http://tfl.nu/0ln5
  Replies (4) Good night (649) Bad night (202)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator

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  (978): woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator http://tfl.nu/ric1
  Replies (9) Good night (611) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

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  (404): Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat. http://tfl.nu/fqqq
  Replies (4) Good night (1260) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.

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  (816): I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night. http://tfl.nu/an2g
  Replies (5) Good night (862) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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  (201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell http://tfl.nu/payj
  Replies (4) Good night (2071) Bad night (181) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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  (617): So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?" http://tfl.nu/5su3
  Replies (3) Good night (1922) Bad night (193) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.

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  (716): I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed. http://tfl.nu/sc0t
  Replies (6) Good night (801) Bad night (168) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.

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  (303): You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out. http://tfl.nu/5jzq
  Replies (4) Good night (360) Bad night (241) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next

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  (202): Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next http://tfl.nu/dw8t
  Replies (4) Good night (333) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.

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  (317): Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it. http://tfl.nu/ks3m
  Replies (3) Good night (503) Bad night (175) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket

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  (+44): you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket http://tfl.nu/sq21
  Replies (2) Good night (518) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire

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  (404): Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire http://tfl.nu/4cfz
  Replies (3) Good night (216) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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  (780): If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML http://tfl.nu/m3i8
  Replies (8) Good night (1253) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.

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  (913): I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath. http://tfl.nu/ml02
  Replies (4) Good night (452) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help

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  (609): TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help http://tfl.nu/xrr6
  Replies (5) Good night (672) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..

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  (704): All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar.. http://tfl.nu/zfs2
  Replies (5) Good night (641) Bad night (184)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.

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  (202): She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family. http://tfl.nu/nmso
  Replies (4) Good night (706) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.

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  (817): Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go. http://tfl.nu/gkdk
  Replies (5) Good night (667) Bad night (182) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  So many things can go wrong tonight.

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  (770): So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun? (404): So many things can go wrong tonight. http://tfl.nu/anjg
  Replies (3) Good night (1027) Bad night (184)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.

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  (250): Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher. http://tfl.nu/t3xh
  Replies (8) Good night (767) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa

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  (808): Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa http://tfl.nu/xvlh
  Replies (6) Good night (640) Bad night (150) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.

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  (715): At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves. http://tfl.nu/lin3
  Replies (3) Good night (258) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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  (306): This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks. http://tfl.nu/6laj
  Replies (4) Good night (1547) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless

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  (860): The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless http://tfl.nu/aa5s
  Replies (9) Good night (2246) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.

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  (541): I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night. http://tfl.nu/uir8
  Replies (2) Good night (522) Bad night (266) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"

  (1-858): View more from California

  next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.

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  (858): Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him" (1-858): next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective. http://tfl.nu/n75w
  Replies (2) Good night (865) Bad night (197)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.

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  (215): tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours. http://tfl.nu/k3ze
  Replies (9) Good night (977) Bad night (207)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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  (765): Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun http://tfl.nu/oe4f
  Replies (9) Good night (891) Bad night (1760) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.

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  (970): Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon. http://tfl.nu/bx6h
  Replies (5) Good night (1617) Bad night (432)
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  (585): View more from New York

  Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride

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  (585): Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride http://tfl.nu/ym4t
  Replies (3) Good night (943) Bad night (224)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.

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  (847): I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time. http://tfl.nu/5b3l
  Replies (4) Good night (919) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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  (541): I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer. http://tfl.nu/oba2
  Replies (7) Good night (1569) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.

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  (484): She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months. http://tfl.nu/6km6
  Replies (9) Good night (1623) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"

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  (214): Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types" http://tfl.nu/3nt2
  Replies (4) Good night (389) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...

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  (901): As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you... http://tfl.nu/9ceg
  Replies (10) Good night (402) Bad night (1749) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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  (805): Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out" http://tfl.nu/3yx5
  Replies (7) Good night (466) Bad night (946)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.

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  (781): My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning. http://tfl.nu/4mpl
  Replies (1) Good night (993) Bad night (278)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy

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  (515): i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy http://tfl.nu/58yw
  Replies (15) Good night (1232) Bad night (247) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.

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  (678): Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times. http://tfl.nu/yq2x
  Replies (15) Good night (1499) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.

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  (224): Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time. http://tfl.nu/eicx
  Replies (6) Good night (938) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.

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  (607): I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year. http://tfl.nu/ajj5
  Replies (4) Good night (1118) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away

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  (760): Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away http://tfl.nu/rpjr
  Replies (1) Good night (861) Bad night (250) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"

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  (203): At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?" http://tfl.nu/4r68
  Replies (5) Good night (1534) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.

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  (563): I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks. http://tfl.nu/3sv0
  Replies (3) Good night (1565) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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  (443): well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/je7g
  Replies (2) Good night (1554) Bad night (527)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.

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  (360): I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel? (1-360): considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'. http://tfl.nu/0tmm
  Replies (0) Good night (891) Bad night (226)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you

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  (503): So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you http://tfl.nu/f848
  Replies (6) Good night (1606) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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  (334): My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace? http://tfl.nu/t8sy
  Replies (13) Good night (2285) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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  (408): just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right". http://tfl.nu/kg1e
  Replies (8) Good night (1596) Bad night (4248) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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  (630): don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class. http://tfl.nu/vso9
  Replies (8) Good night (1364) Bad night (3811) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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  (202): Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out. http://tfl.nu/48b9
  Replies (17) Good night (2057) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.

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  (415): i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus. http://tfl.nu/s77k
  Replies (4) Good night (935) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.

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  (918): I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand. http://tfl.nu/relm
  Replies (6) Good night (989) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

  (630): View more from Illinois

  you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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  (312): I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD" (630): you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you http://tfl.nu/ztcf
  Replies (6) Good night (1873) Bad night (293)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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  (318): At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving? http://tfl.nu/qz6b
  Replies (7) Good night (2126) Bad night (391)
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  (631): View more from New York

  Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?

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  (631): Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"? http://tfl.nu/xfwq
  Replies (6) Good night (1135) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.

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  (830): I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate. http://tfl.nu/ytk5
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.

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  (612): She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again. http://tfl.nu/aifk
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.

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  (859): I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now. http://tfl.nu/jyw8
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

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  (817): You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres. http://tfl.nu/or4y
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

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  (740): Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes. http://tfl.nu/n93c
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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  (864): her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality. http://tfl.nu/j8og
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  (518): View more from New York

  Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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  (518): Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins http://tfl.nu/i33q
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned

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  (908): And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned http://tfl.nu/t8ci
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  (845): View more from New York

  Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.

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  (845): Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right. http://tfl.nu/xf55
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

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  (920): He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character http://tfl.nu/qsh8
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"

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  (609): pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!" http://tfl.nu/i0nq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on

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  (512): Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on http://tfl.nu/5wd1
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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  (781): she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg http://tfl.nu/c3oo
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
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  (207): View more from Maine

  It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...

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  (207): It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester... http://tfl.nu/gus9
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.

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  (778): We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay. http://tfl.nu/xs17
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  (760): View more from California

  coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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  (760): coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/by4p
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.

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  (941): Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight. http://tfl.nu/u4mj
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum

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  (337): Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum http://tfl.nu/ae6k
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.

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  (412): My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey. http://tfl.nu/rdvv
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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  (859): Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed" http://tfl.nu/i5mp
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

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  (214): Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas. http://tfl.nu/qczi
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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  (419): Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus http://tfl.nu/mjlu
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there

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  (402): You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there http://tfl.nu/v9qy
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

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  (850): Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list. http://tfl.nu/5auq
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

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  (817): Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud. http://tfl.nu/pgi9
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.

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  (817): Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it. http://tfl.nu/7l3r
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  (315): View more from New York

  It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.

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  (315): It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win. http://tfl.nu/m4nr
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.

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  (215): It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater. http://tfl.nu/563x
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.

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  (250): I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me. http://tfl.nu/it3h
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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  (434): He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face. http://tfl.nu/h6c3
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon

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  (651): Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon http://tfl.nu/o3ou
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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  (918): Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that http://tfl.nu/h4ec
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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  (312): My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass. http://tfl.nu/uedc
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

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  (937): Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour http://tfl.nu/gdsh
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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  (206): She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me http://tfl.nu/zp1n
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

  (713): View more from Texas

  My liver has a boner

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  (832): But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze (713): My liver has a boner http://tfl.nu/y8xq
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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  (334): Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything? http://tfl.nu/366l
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read

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  (603): the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read http://tfl.nu/k8on
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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  (608): Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night? http://tfl.nu/t0sh
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  (925): View more from California

  If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.

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  (925): If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living. http://tfl.nu/hoy7
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday

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  (614): Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday http://tfl.nu/2snx
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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  (202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s
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  (406): View more from Montana

  My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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  (406): My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered http://tfl.nu/5zea
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  (347): View more from New York

  He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?

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  (347): He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family? http://tfl.nu/6x1g
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.

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  (717): Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it. http://tfl.nu/5u1i
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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  (720): the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis http://tfl.nu/41ot
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee

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  (904): I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee http://tfl.nu/enfq
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out

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  (515): I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out http://tfl.nu/6wgt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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  (978): Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab. (617): What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family! http://tfl.nu/wlta
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  (210): View more from Texas

  It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.

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  (210): It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger. http://tfl.nu/wgf0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.

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  (908): I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly. http://tfl.nu/i4iy
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina

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  (217): I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina http://tfl.nu/lruw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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  (410): WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN http://tfl.nu/tdjl
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  (916): View more from California

  Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".

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  (916): Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles". http://tfl.nu/t7tu
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's gameday bitch. Man up.

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  (336): I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged. (412): It's gameday bitch. Man up. http://tfl.nu/dewp
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.

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  (410): Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii. http://tfl.nu/nmvv
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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  (229): Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it .. http://tfl.nu/xli3
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.

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  (914): I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol. http://tfl.nu/zw06
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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  (717): I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman? http://tfl.nu/8vyd
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.

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  (719): I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon. http://tfl.nu/f6i1
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  Am I going to be on condom boxes?

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  (803): You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time. (1-803): Am I going to be on condom boxes? http://tfl.nu/pwx5
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.

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  (618): Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/svji
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.

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  (443): Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack. http://tfl.nu/wgh7
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.

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  (847): Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos. http://tfl.nu/unc3
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  (925): View more from California

  crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

  (1-925): View more from California

  YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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  (925): crossed #23 off the Slucket List! (1-925): YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING. http://tfl.nu/ln8o
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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  (434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.

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  (803): My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please. http://tfl.nu/htsn
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  (347): View more from New York

  There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery

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  (347): There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery http://tfl.nu/86su
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.

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  (307): Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation. http://tfl.nu/3hoc
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.

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  (920): Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night. http://tfl.nu/js17
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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  (479): Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom. http://tfl.nu/7rpj
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

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  (708): And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free http://tfl.nu/lgkw
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?

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  (587): I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it? http://tfl.nu/0nlc
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?

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  (479): The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in? http://tfl.nu/vsmz
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible

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  (248): Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online. (810): Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible http://tfl.nu/lrjw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates

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  (717): I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates http://tfl.nu/o8si
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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  (435): I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read http://tfl.nu/7a19
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  ... I threw up in the shower this morning

  (406): View more from Montana

  You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.

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  (307): ... I threw up in the shower this morning (406): You were "I'm not drunk" drunk. (307): I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time. http://tfl.nu/80b5
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.

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  (403): My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices. http://tfl.nu/r9jz
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  (760): View more from California

  Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that

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  (760): Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that http://tfl.nu/isr6
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.

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  (407): It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs. http://tfl.nu/mrim
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.

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  (405): I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society. http://tfl.nu/cbw1
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all

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  (503): So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all http://tfl.nu/abyi
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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  (701): She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere. http://tfl.nu/am2w
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

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  (775): Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American. http://tfl.nu/e4rx
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.

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  (519): he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint. http://tfl.nu/fup1
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

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  (509): I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning. http://tfl.nu/olim
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  (916): View more from California

  Yep. How's your hangover?

  (1-916): View more from California

  It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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  (916): Yep. How's your hangover? (1-916): It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me. http://tfl.nu/bn8s
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka

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  (+49): I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka http://tfl.nu/jrp7
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.

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  (289): Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel. http://tfl.nu/rxj6
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  (646): View more from New York

  People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.

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  (646): People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home. http://tfl.nu/e0ck
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

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  (248): So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits." http://tfl.nu/x9en
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home

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  (608): I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home http://tfl.nu/rt92
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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  (484): My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs (610): I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle http://tfl.nu/o9xz
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

  (269): View more from Michigan

  Gonna go for any of them?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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  (248): All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go. (269): Gonna go for any of them? (248): Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us. http://tfl.nu/3pp6
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.

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  (615): I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample. http://tfl.nu/ndxy
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  they sound like some classy girls.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.

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  (630): they sound like some classy girls. (1-630): Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting. http://tfl.nu/azgf
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.

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  (906): Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good. http://tfl.nu/y37n
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

  (310): View more from California

  Fuck you.

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  (714): Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon (310): Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/u7vm
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  (210): View more from Texas

  IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.

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  (210): IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND. http://tfl.nu/ke4c
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES

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  (303): YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES (1-303): YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES http://tfl.nu/trz6
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  (716): View more from New York

  The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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  (716): The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us. http://tfl.nu/j1ej
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  (845): View more from New York

  He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

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  (845): He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought http://tfl.nu/z4p7
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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  (304): Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow http://tfl.nu/l8ph
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

  (415): View more from California

  Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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  (206): He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit. (415): Use your nursing skills for good, not evil. http://tfl.nu/0k9b
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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  (203): Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny http://tfl.nu/4qb9
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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  (517): Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity. (517): We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by http://tfl.nu/0fvy
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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