just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Houston, we have a squirter
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from