Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
pop tarts are not kleenex
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think I died a long time ago.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Follow @tfln