Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.
"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.
I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there's paper in my vomit.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"