The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
false alarm. still invincible.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think I won the penis lottery.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
How drunk are you??
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.