Texts From Last Night · happyrutabaga's Favorites

happyrutabaga's Favorites Texts:

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(706): View more from Georgia

She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(585): View more from New York

I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(619): View more from California

there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly

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(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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(925): View more from California

she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(517): View more from Michigan

the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(703): View more from Virginia

Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(416): View more from Ontario

i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(917): View more from New York City

I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(716): View more from New York

You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(530): View more from California

i'm lost and i look like a hooker

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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(620): View more from Kansas

We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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(303): View more from Colorado

do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???

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(513): View more from Ohio

He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.

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(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

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(703): View more from Virginia

why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?

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(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we were pretty classy up until the second keg

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

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(740): View more from Ohio

his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(541): View more from Oregon

I heard you threw up in your lap?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I heard that too.

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(979): View more from Texas

we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?

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(563): View more from Iowa

My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(248): View more from Michigan

My nipple is on Facebook.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took

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(352): View more from Florida

never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wish you could fill a pinata with booze

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

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(650): View more from California

Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I swear god or herbie drove my car home

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

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(214): View more from Texas

New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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(716): View more from New York

I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.

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(310): View more from California

I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer

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(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.

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(585): View more from New York

This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had

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(216): View more from Ohio

whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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(847): View more from Illinois

why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you have to choose: penises or morals?

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(319): View more from Iowa

went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.

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(917): View more from New York City

you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?

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(954): View more from Florida

i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?

(216): View more from Ohio

Turn them off?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours

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(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out

(440): View more from Ohio

seek help.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(513): View more from Ohio

stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight

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(925): View more from California

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.

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(213): View more from California

Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(516): View more from New York

You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life

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(925): View more from California

It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.

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(214): View more from Texas

The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(813): View more from Florida

They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.

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(404): View more from Georgia

A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana

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(330): View more from Ohio

She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.

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(408): View more from California

i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

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(510): View more from California

I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(707): View more from California

Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.

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(718): View more from New York

I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!

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(515): View more from Iowa

so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??

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(804): View more from Virginia

Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here

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(334): View more from Alabama

how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(919): View more from North Carolina

please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(845): View more from New York

just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(314): View more from Missouri

who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...

(1-314): View more from Missouri

I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(817): View more from Texas

I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

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(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(785): View more from Kansas

so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse

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(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(845): View more from New York

I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.

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(716): View more from New York

you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority

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(585): View more from New York

I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

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(316): View more from Kansas

she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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(561): View more from Florida

I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog

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