if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
