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dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I cockslap morals
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I have demons in me.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
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