And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he puts the penis in happiness.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wish you could order shots online.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.