Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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