you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.