so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...