Texts From Last Night

gator_atty's Favorites Texts:

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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112227) Bad night (9731) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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  (516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x
  Replies (12) Good night (3551) Bad night (538)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

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  (410): She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success! http://tfl.nu/k1zi
  Replies (10) Good night (1603) Bad night (404)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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  (410): WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN http://tfl.nu/tdjl
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  (425): View more from Washington

  OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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  (425): OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES? http://tfl.nu/syph
  Replies (18) Good night (1971) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?

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  (404): When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012? http://tfl.nu/cat9
  Replies (12) Good night (1547) Bad night (512)
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  (845): View more from New York

  My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.

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  (845): My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine. http://tfl.nu/uhg6
  Replies (5) Good night (1109) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.

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  (970): Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby. http://tfl.nu/d4tv
  Replies (2) Good night (1109) Bad night (325) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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  (205): Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation. http://tfl.nu/ln89
  Replies (3) Good night (1281) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.

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  (918): He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his. http://tfl.nu/1fae
  Replies (31) Good night (2919) Bad night (672)
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  (714): View more from California

  Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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  (714): Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends. http://tfl.nu/11t7
  Replies (21) Good night (652) Bad night (2305) Order T-Shirt
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  (786): View more from Florida

  If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

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  (786): If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok http://tfl.nu/pfjn
  Replies (4) Good night (616) Bad night (1924) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.

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  (360): All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower. http://tfl.nu/z2xv
  Replies (15) Good night (1385) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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  (775): Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"? http://tfl.nu/g7e2
  Replies (8) Good night (1662) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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  (610): I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird. http://tfl.nu/yqaf
  Replies (18) Good night (2276) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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  (231): Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted. http://tfl.nu/tphx
  Replies (29) Good night (1035) Bad night (3639) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.

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  (856): Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox. http://tfl.nu/almc
  Replies (18) Good night (1824) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (464): View more from Illinois

  He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.

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  (464): He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit. http://tfl.nu/lyxm
  Replies (10) Good night (2307) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

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  (518): I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING! http://tfl.nu/za5e
  Replies (18) Good night (1016) Bad night (2662) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH

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  (781): I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH http://tfl.nu/y9eb
  Replies (8) Good night (1204) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week

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  (312): Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week http://tfl.nu/5mzo
  Replies (12) Good night (1575) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand

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  (412): Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand http://tfl.nu/54cj
  Replies (3) Good night (1135) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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  (519): she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!" http://tfl.nu/5ib0
  Replies (19) Good night (3482) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  ... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?

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  (937): ... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard? http://tfl.nu/u1hc
  Replies (7) Good night (314) Bad night (1183) Order T-Shirt
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  (450): View more from Quebec

  She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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  (450): She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do... http://tfl.nu/okgn
  Replies (10) Good night (3242) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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  (408): I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident. http://tfl.nu/gd86
  Replies (6) Good night (1926) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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  (631): His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE http://tfl.nu/8spd
  Replies (17) Good night (767) Bad night (1744) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours

  (301): View more from Maryland

  ........yyyyyyeah that's me

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  (814): There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours (301): ........yyyyyyeah that's me http://tfl.nu/xtm1
  Replies (4) Good night (1354) Bad night (386)
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

  (315): View more from New York

  I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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  (607): I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now (315): I see you're taking unemployment seriously. http://tfl.nu/5xru
  Replies (3) Good night (2028) Bad night (429)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"

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  (334): i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?" http://tfl.nu/0fwx
  Replies (7) Good night (492) Bad night (1330)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

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  (514): We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one... http://tfl.nu/kexj
  Replies (11) Good night (2685) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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  (210): Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT. http://tfl.nu/29iu
  Replies (17) Good night (4162) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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  (253): We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch. http://tfl.nu/tp65
  Replies (42) Good night (3643) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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  (773): That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin. (804): It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals. http://tfl.nu/mo3g
  Replies (9) Good night (2085) Bad night (481)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?

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  (770): He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude? http://tfl.nu/vcqn
  Replies (8) Good night (533) Bad night (2363) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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  (707): Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god http://tfl.nu/bbiq
  Replies (9) Good night (1456) Bad night (1351) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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  (701): Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring. http://tfl.nu/lp7n
  Replies (4) Good night (2054) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang

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  (480): Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang http://tfl.nu/1oo5
  Replies (12) Good night (3976) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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  (616): This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room. http://tfl.nu/k8xh
  Replies (16) Good night (2810) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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  (337): The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth http://tfl.nu/th81
  Replies (14) Good night (2440) Bad night (691)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.

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  (870): No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you. http://tfl.nu/b7m8
  Replies (6) Good night (1664) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?

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  (613): On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it? http://tfl.nu/27yi
  Replies (5) Good night (1278) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.

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  (727): It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm. http://tfl.nu/84qt
  Replies (4) Good night (1954) Bad night (518)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i'm watching the fashion show on bravo

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  you're cheating on project runway?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  if you can't score coke, you buy crack.

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  (919): i'm watching the fashion show on bravo (262): you're cheating on project runway? (919): if you can't score coke, you buy crack. http://tfl.nu/k398
  Replies (19) Good night (2979) Bad night (582)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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  (504): Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high. http://tfl.nu/srpn
  Replies (11) Good night (4759) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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  (313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma
  Replies (25) Good night (9414) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

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  (913): I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids. http://tfl.nu/b3me
  Replies (9) Good night (4154) Bad night (1238) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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  (205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp
  Replies (21) Good night (6897) Bad night (1212)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.

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  (774): if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking. http://tfl.nu/oesf
  Replies (8) Good night (969) Bad night (4198) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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  (918): Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm. (1-918): And she used to have such long ones. Sad. http://tfl.nu/v7eg
  Replies (23) Good night (1006) Bad night (5439) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

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  (847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame' http://tfl.nu/un7j
  Replies (16) Good night (3797) Bad night (3892) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno

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  (810): oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno http://tfl.nu/xl94
  Replies (7) Good night (1507) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.

  (712): View more from Iowa

  On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.

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  (712): You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled. (712): On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride. http://tfl.nu/7lij
  Replies (2) Good night (2009) Bad night (973)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame

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  (618): thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame http://tfl.nu/q9yu
  Replies (5) Good night (1772) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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  (847): The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume. http://tfl.nu/g5bo
  Replies (10) Good night (1942) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (24) Good night (6256) Bad night (649)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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  (270): I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely. http://tfl.nu/i6l6
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

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  (613): She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone. http://tfl.nu/b8gy
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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  (586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.

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  (413): Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night. http://tfl.nu/jhax
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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  (206): Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now. (1-206): Auto correct or actual 3rd graders? http://tfl.nu/qie2
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  (408): View more from California

  I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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  (408): I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/0k63
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  (244): View more from

  There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

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  (244): There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other http://tfl.nu/rd7y
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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  (717): I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman? http://tfl.nu/8vyd
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave

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  (575): I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave http://tfl.nu/cqqt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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  (732): we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle http://tfl.nu/y8fm
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time

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  (515): Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time http://tfl.nu/sgzo
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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  (216): Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket. http://tfl.nu/jk3k
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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  (917): I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking. http://tfl.nu/qvff
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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  (484): Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level http://tfl.nu/da15
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

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  (410): If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina http://tfl.nu/8dig
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?

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  (513): I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out? http://tfl.nu/sosx
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  (212): View more from New York

  Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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  (212): Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help? http://tfl.nu/19hc
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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  (715): His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him? http://tfl.nu/r9a3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.

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  (513): College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester. http://tfl.nu/dsii
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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  (412): we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/vjbm
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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  (832): No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin. http://tfl.nu/1p6f
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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  (757): i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ... http://tfl.nu/nc8q
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)

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  (912): Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :) http://tfl.nu/vv81
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

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  (859): will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour http://tfl.nu/165f
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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  (806): I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit. http://tfl.nu/a0hw
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  (858): View more from California

  No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

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  (858): No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter. http://tfl.nu/lm85
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.

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  (609): it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating. http://tfl.nu/22js
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

  (1+44): View more from

  That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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  (+44): You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl... (1+44): That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh http://tfl.nu/agy9
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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  (501): There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at. http://tfl.nu/jo9n
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...

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  (615): Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her... http://tfl.nu/47qs
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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  (701): Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice! http://tfl.nu/fa1l
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians

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  (248): I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians http://tfl.nu/d2hy
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

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  (574): I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus. http://tfl.nu/ya8h
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.

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  (828): It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack. http://tfl.nu/89f8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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  (610): Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates. http://tfl.nu/faj1
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Oh God.

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  (919): DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT??? (1-919): Oh God. http://tfl.nu/z02g
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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  (248): Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'. http://tfl.nu/4pwa
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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  (978): He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo http://tfl.nu/892m
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.

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  (620): Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians. http://tfl.nu/2mf6
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  (407): View more from Florida

  you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.

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  (407): you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations. http://tfl.nu/xedp
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.

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  (502): he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult. http://tfl.nu/fe1g
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.

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  (847): Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy. http://tfl.nu/37ux
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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  (480): I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends. http://tfl.nu/9x75
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing

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  (605): Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing http://tfl.nu/3itv
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  YOU would be the Freshman Expirence

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  (217): He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that.. (1-217): YOU would be the Freshman Expirence http://tfl.nu/md5b
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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  (203): I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup. http://tfl.nu/cqod
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer

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  (508): He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer http://tfl.nu/btvn
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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  (709): You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese. http://tfl.nu/dujc
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.

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  (641): yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors. http://tfl.nu/lgo5
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

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  (319): Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong http://tfl.nu/nuya
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?

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  (208): You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right? http://tfl.nu/dxzt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.

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  (401): just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point. http://tfl.nu/mbzv
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.

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  (316): Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all. http://tfl.nu/i7x5
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  pants will make it better? really?

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  (804): I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand. (1-804): pants will make it better? really? http://tfl.nu/cx1r
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.

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  (765): I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday. http://tfl.nu/lb5a
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.

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  (709): I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her. http://tfl.nu/w26o
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now

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  (205): They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now http://tfl.nu/ocyi
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  (530): View more from California

  Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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  (530): Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine http://tfl.nu/asqo
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.

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  (419): i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go. http://tfl.nu/8sa8
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  (818): View more from California

  I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.

  (805): View more from California

  What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.

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  (818): I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated. (805): What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes. http://tfl.nu/bk6e
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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  (208): I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend http://tfl.nu/wdl5
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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  (303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund. http://tfl.nu/xrnk
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
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  (831): View more from California

  theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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  (831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it http://tfl.nu/8kg8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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