Texts From Last Night

didactic's Favorites Texts:

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  (425): View more from Washington

  I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms

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  (425): I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms http://tfl.nu/pltl
  Replies (7) Good night (585) Bad night (258) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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  (270): Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man. http://tfl.nu/achk
  Replies (9) Good night (1912) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses

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  (802): I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses http://tfl.nu/9pm9
  Replies (4) Good night (401) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Somehow he made it really romantic

  (503): View more from Oregon

  He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.

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  (541): Somehow he made it really romantic (503): He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me. http://tfl.nu/2g7n
  Replies (6) Good night (1188) Bad night (621)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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  (+44): I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten. http://tfl.nu/hxkk
  Replies (1) Good night (1089) Bad night (281)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos

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  (330): I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos http://tfl.nu/fa4z
  Replies (1) Good night (580) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (445): View more from Pennsylvania

  We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing

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  (445): We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing http://tfl.nu/ir7s
  Replies (6) Good night (840) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth

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  (716): Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth http://tfl.nu/he9m
  Replies (1) Good night (442) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise

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  (814): i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise http://tfl.nu/29uw
  Replies (8) Good night (800) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries

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  (423): So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries http://tfl.nu/0e3x
  Replies (3) Good night (816) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.

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  (912): If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight. http://tfl.nu/iyrl
  Replies (2) Good night (663) Bad night (264) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.

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  (202): We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy. http://tfl.nu/mfv7
  Replies (9) Good night (1359) Bad night (481)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots

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  (610): We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots http://tfl.nu/1mi3
  Replies (6) Good night (1380) Bad night (307)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.

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  (717): After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again. http://tfl.nu/ujp5
  Replies (0) Good night (526) Bad night (718)
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish

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  (276): Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish http://tfl.nu/p7ll
  Replies (2) Good night (248) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.

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  (303): I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION. http://tfl.nu/audf
  Replies (2) Good night (1209) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.

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  (216): I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right. http://tfl.nu/rt33
  Replies (4) Good night (936) Bad night (250) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.

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  (505): The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it. http://tfl.nu/p90f
  Replies (3) Good night (951) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.

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  (207): HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health. http://tfl.nu/zxtp
  Replies (9) Good night (1014) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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  (413): Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker" (1-413): I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family http://tfl.nu/b85j
  Replies (7) Good night (1983) Bad night (311)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog

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  (907): You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog http://tfl.nu/ud9g
  Replies (6) Good night (933) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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  (609): You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?" http://tfl.nu/1kzs
  Replies (9) Good night (2394) Bad night (394)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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  (406): Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving http://tfl.nu/p7rm
  Replies (18) Good night (1966) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

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  (907): Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed??? http://tfl.nu/qbm2
  Replies (20) Good night (2265) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

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  (720): You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist. http://tfl.nu/dze0
  Replies (10) Good night (1526) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

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  (479): Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion? http://tfl.nu/7a2v
  Replies (21) Good night (1506) Bad night (463) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I rest my case.

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  (720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi
  Replies (10) Good night (1897) Bad night (316)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

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  (281): Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real. http://tfl.nu/xx9a
  Replies (4) Good night (711) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  How high are you?

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  (561): Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter. (1-561): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/9cbn
  Replies (18) Good night (749) Bad night (1340)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

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  (201): I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl." http://tfl.nu/ji6j
  Replies (4) Good night (1748) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

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  (615): The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one http://tfl.nu/1h27
  Replies (3) Good night (1496) Bad night (263)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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  (512): Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL. http://tfl.nu/149w
  Replies (12) Good night (552) Bad night (1973) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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  (334): We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!" http://tfl.nu/8nad
  Replies (4) Good night (1395) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  So all in all, a good night.

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  (717): You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young. (1-717): So all in all, a good night. http://tfl.nu/c215
  Replies (0) Good night (1240) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

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  (443): I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon. http://tfl.nu/atl9
  Replies (10) Good night (1824) Bad night (345)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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  (678): Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool. http://tfl.nu/6mtz
  Replies (10) Good night (1373) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

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  (717): You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/lypi
  Replies (11) Good night (2008) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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  (563): Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me. http://tfl.nu/48rp
  Replies (11) Good night (3064) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  How high are you?

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  (585): Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies. (1-585): How high are you? http://tfl.nu/ixro
  Replies (6) Good night (2158) Bad night (312)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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  (678): It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes. http://tfl.nu/rtfu
  Replies (3) Good night (1100) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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  (774): I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep http://tfl.nu/07gg
  Replies (6) Good night (1794) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

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  (412): I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings http://tfl.nu/tlmy
  Replies (5) Good night (832) Bad night (1232)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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  (970): I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome. http://tfl.nu/hol9
  Replies (6) Good night (2210) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.

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  (248): We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on. http://tfl.nu/3utl
  Replies (2) Good night (1556) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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  (250): I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder. http://tfl.nu/j76c
  Replies (9) Good night (2179) Bad night (666)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?

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  (402): Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window? http://tfl.nu/mwbz
  Replies (10) Good night (1180) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock

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  (571): So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock http://tfl.nu/1xfu
  Replies (3) Good night (1242) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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  (603): YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN http://tfl.nu/ns4x
  Replies (16) Good night (1493) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

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  (203): You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you. http://tfl.nu/720l
  Replies (9) Good night (1094) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Restraining order pending?

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  (334): She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper (205): Restraining order pending? http://tfl.nu/xpcn
  Replies (6) Good night (1107) Bad night (363)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.

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  (403): You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything. http://tfl.nu/58f8
  Replies (1) Good night (1200) Bad night (250) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids

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  (860): people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids http://tfl.nu/scfe
  Replies (2) Good night (1733) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

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  (413): You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room http://tfl.nu/ree5
  Replies (5) Good night (998) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart

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  (760): I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart http://tfl.nu/0amr
  Replies (7) Good night (851) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

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  (970): From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick. http://tfl.nu/h7vg
  Replies (13) Good night (2412) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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  (403): At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life... http://tfl.nu/7jwj
  Replies (17) Good night (2065) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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  (512): She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on. http://tfl.nu/lja4
  Replies (17) Good night (593) Bad night (1073) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

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  (501): I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/edkm
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

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  (865): God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter. http://tfl.nu/mtk4
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"

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  (614): We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us" http://tfl.nu/w1ue
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.

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  (651): As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week. http://tfl.nu/bh6r
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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  (732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"

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  (614): And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice" http://tfl.nu/xdkd
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me

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  (425): i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me http://tfl.nu/5vfc
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it

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  (208): It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it http://tfl.nu/8smb
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  (239): View more from Florida

  COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING

  (646): View more from New York

  (239): View more from Florida

  Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?

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  (239): COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING (646): (239): Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that? http://tfl.nu/ilq5
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.

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  (602): All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/kqy9
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  (948): View more from

  He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.

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  (948): He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE. http://tfl.nu/y75n
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me

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  (203): I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me http://tfl.nu/e1ma
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?

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  (603): Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener? http://tfl.nu/3402
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...

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  (613): Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick... http://tfl.nu/9qzg
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  (212): View more from New York

  That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!

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  (212): That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS! http://tfl.nu/7667
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over

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  (503): drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over http://tfl.nu/dlzy
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there

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  (856): the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there http://tfl.nu/b4jk
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow

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  (203): The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow http://tfl.nu/7yz5
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"

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  (702): I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le" http://tfl.nu/jcjk
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.

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  (920): i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat" (763): and this is why you're my favorite gay friend. http://tfl.nu/djrx
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.

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  (704): Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone. http://tfl.nu/kasl
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?

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  (506): HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!? http://tfl.nu/h0ub
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  (585): View more from New York

  S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.

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  (585): S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding. http://tfl.nu/j7eu
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  (585): View more from New York

  I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.

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  (585): I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again. http://tfl.nu/lp5f
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.

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  (207): He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug. http://tfl.nu/cbeo
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it

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  (401): If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it http://tfl.nu/cn0p
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  (310): View more from California

  I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.

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  (310): I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/eqf3
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  (716): View more from New York

  He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

  (585): View more from New York

  Find him and marry him.

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  (716): He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night. (585): Find him and marry him. http://tfl.nu/d6kn
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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  (+44): He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits. http://tfl.nu/wm8o
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  (227): View more from Maryland

  I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.

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  (227): I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are. http://tfl.nu/7vs1
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.

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  (816): Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland. http://tfl.nu/1rj2
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it

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  (765): This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it http://tfl.nu/dka3
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  (360): View more from Washington

  that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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  (360): that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem... http://tfl.nu/rc3g
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.

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  (304): I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay. http://tfl.nu/a09s
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.

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  (850): I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud. http://tfl.nu/igxs
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

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  (843): When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"... http://tfl.nu/sfou
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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  (231): FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today http://tfl.nu/dvgl
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?

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  (506): Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant? http://tfl.nu/bdft
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.

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  (719): There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans. http://tfl.nu/qyi6
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

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  (417): I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston. http://tfl.nu/atcw
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  (858): View more from California

  Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's

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  (858): Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's http://tfl.nu/vv8r
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos

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  (812): I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos http://tfl.nu/whu2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.

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  (203): MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over. http://tfl.nu/zav4
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

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  (512): Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery. http://tfl.nu/4491
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.

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  (734): the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity. http://tfl.nu/gric
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence

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  (616): he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence http://tfl.nu/qzxi
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!

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  (228): Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?! http://tfl.nu/8no9
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.

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  (620): I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin. http://tfl.nu/7pmc
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours

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  (503): I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours http://tfl.nu/g0b7
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.

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  (630): Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me. (1-630): Pulling out all the stops on being a lady. http://tfl.nu/6gwr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night

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  (847): She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night http://tfl.nu/5dv7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary

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  (917): I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary http://tfl.nu/znga
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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  (919): Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted http://tfl.nu/7mo3
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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  (918): That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates. http://tfl.nu/madm
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.

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  (970): A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is. http://tfl.nu/20fb
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I was told my cock was a religious experience.

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  (913): I was told my cock was a religious experience. http://tfl.nu/13mw
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can

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  (775): He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can http://tfl.nu/kb09
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here

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  (614): We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here http://tfl.nu/ha0m
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.

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  (508): I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat. http://tfl.nu/wq7n
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.

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  (417): New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel. http://tfl.nu/qpdx
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth

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  (402): Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth http://tfl.nu/4hkn
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti

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  (610): We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature (610): Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti http://tfl.nu/iam9
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning

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  (859): I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning http://tfl.nu/m43n
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Olive Garden will never be the same.

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  (803): She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH" (864): Olive Garden will never be the same. http://tfl.nu/o2p7
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being

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  (904): Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being http://tfl.nu/rzj7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.

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  (407): While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead. http://tfl.nu/hup2
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.

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  (419): By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame. http://tfl.nu/xvaq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.

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  (303): My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/0900
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here

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  (859): Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here http://tfl.nu/0vaz
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.

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  (609): if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened. http://tfl.nu/us8v
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night

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  (443): I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night http://tfl.nu/0wm9
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him

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  (843): Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him http://tfl.nu/dncw
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  (518): View more from New York

  Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him

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  (518): Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him http://tfl.nu/dlpo
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.

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  (614): Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty. http://tfl.nu/ysw1
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  (904): View more from Florida

  We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy

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  (904): We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy http://tfl.nu/uv03
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...

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  (412): Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion... http://tfl.nu/ll4v
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.

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  (859): You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy. http://tfl.nu/r8h1
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

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  (208): Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now. http://tfl.nu/bdx8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.

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  (215): You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you. http://tfl.nu/sg3o
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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  (312): This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/7nbz
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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  (610): Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it. http://tfl.nu/tp8b
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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  (614): I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out. http://tfl.nu/60nc
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

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  (618): i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything http://tfl.nu/e4ud
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  (210): View more from Texas

  It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.

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  (210): It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger. http://tfl.nu/wgf0
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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  (318): Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult. http://tfl.nu/kp39
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!

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  (210): Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together! http://tfl.nu/bu70
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.

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  (816): If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide. http://tfl.nu/28e3
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer

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  (720): That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer http://tfl.nu/lbub
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  (845): View more from New York

  Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?

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  (845): Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident? http://tfl.nu/4pg6
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.

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  (727): Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit. http://tfl.nu/berc
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  (979): View more from Texas

  It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.

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  (979): It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people. http://tfl.nu/1jp1
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.

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  (913): I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll. http://tfl.nu/i4my
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  (631): View more from New York

  I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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  (631): I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth. http://tfl.nu/otea
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.

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  (405): yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt. http://tfl.nu/yslp
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  ..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.

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  (828): remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch. (1-828): ..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so. http://tfl.nu/n0v1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.

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  (435): Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that. http://tfl.nu/d2qc
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.

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  (312): I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM. http://tfl.nu/w4qm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?

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  (978): Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own? http://tfl.nu/mi3t
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.

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  (412): Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster. http://tfl.nu/q387
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...

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  (540): I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff... http://tfl.nu/wq37
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.

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  (832): You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life. http://tfl.nu/rg4t
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  (214): View more from Texas

  They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.

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  (214): They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday. http://tfl.nu/u6e3
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.

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  (901): oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home. http://tfl.nu/ixn7
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  (909): View more from California

  I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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  (909): I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused http://tfl.nu/1156
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.

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  (801): I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird. http://tfl.nu/5cem
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.

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  (847): Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high. http://tfl.nu/a6we
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.

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  (318): I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case. http://tfl.nu/3tdp
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.

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  (785): well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo. http://tfl.nu/3cg7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.

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  (407): It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome. http://tfl.nu/288f
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.

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  (269): We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable. http://tfl.nu/14d9
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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  (516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x
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  (360): View more from Washington

  DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!

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  (360): DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!! http://tfl.nu/2uub
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.

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  (706): He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle. http://tfl.nu/6yo0
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  (916): View more from California

  You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."

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  (916): You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths." http://tfl.nu/4apx
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him

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  (514): please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him http://tfl.nu/t57p
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.

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  (647): Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg. http://tfl.nu/wi3n
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

  (503): View more from Oregon

  ... That's a shower caddy.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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  (541): You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever! (503): ... That's a shower caddy. (541): I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation. http://tfl.nu/svbx
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos

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  (570): Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos http://tfl.nu/gb6j
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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  (410): WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN http://tfl.nu/tdjl
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  (916): View more from California

  Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".

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  (916): Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles". http://tfl.nu/t7tu
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.

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  (440): I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me. http://tfl.nu/twlr
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.

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  (832): god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink. http://tfl.nu/rrfd
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.

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  (610): I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously. http://tfl.nu/j7oy
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.

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  (479): Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question. http://tfl.nu/6lny
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers

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  (484): I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers http://tfl.nu/srrb
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

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  (330): You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower. http://tfl.nu/aao1
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey

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  (774): This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey http://tfl.nu/q901
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

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  (863): I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life. http://tfl.nu/jtja
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  I thought I could.

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  (623): You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!' (1-623): I thought I could. http://tfl.nu/l4oh
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.

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  (410): Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii. http://tfl.nu/nmvv
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?

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  (248): When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle? http://tfl.nu/70g5
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.

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  (910): Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer. http://tfl.nu/mbe5
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  (360): View more from Washington

  ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.

  (425): View more from Washington

  are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?

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  (360): ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear. (425): are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again? http://tfl.nu/6nto
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today

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  (423): can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today http://tfl.nu/jv97
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  (518): View more from New York

  Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.

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  (518): Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors. http://tfl.nu/nr6l
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?

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  (404): When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012? http://tfl.nu/cat9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.

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  (970): Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby. http://tfl.nu/d4tv
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  (315): View more from New York

  i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy

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  (315): i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy http://tfl.nu/pdy7
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