my vag is so smooth its legendary
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
