I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
two words: eviction party
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.