the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think my moral compass just broke
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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