Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
this will be a night to untag.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
we're making bets on your personal life
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The beer is more important than you right now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.