its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why is your signature on my underwear?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE