the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.