Texts From Last Night · jedi67's Favorites

jedi67's Favorites Texts:

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.

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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(402): View more from Nebraska

From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(937): View more from Ohio

The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(917): View more from New York City

my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(716): View more from New York

hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.

(404): View more from Georgia

Is it any good?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(716): View more from New York

Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.

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(815): View more from Illinois

man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed

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(620): View more from Kansas

my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

(785): View more from Kansas

you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(315): View more from New York

its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

or abortion recommendation cards.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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(561): View more from Florida

Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.

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(806): View more from Texas

a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(813): View more from Florida

I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(925): View more from California

These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(216): View more from Ohio

ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(310): View more from California

my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend

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(801): View more from Utah

two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(619): View more from California

he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?

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(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.

(862): View more from New Jersey

yet...

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(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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