I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
