I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My brain says no but my pants say off.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed