he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i think i have herpe
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face