DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He had some BAD nuttage
It's like cleavage......... but different
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
thus making me awesome and them whores
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's Friday. Sex?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.