He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Be still, my beating vagina.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...