I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook