listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My hand turned me down
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself