can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Blood and glitter go together right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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