I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.