Texts From Last Night

dannycatania's Favorites Texts:

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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51701) Bad night (5696)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (707): View more from California

  He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.

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  (707): He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie. http://tfl.nu/yx94
  Replies (6) Good night (2761) Bad night (1107)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.

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  (407): I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist. http://tfl.nu/erea
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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  (204): Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments http://tfl.nu/8aia
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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  (586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day

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  (440): Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day http://tfl.nu/1jo6
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

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  (678): He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended? (770): I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet." http://tfl.nu/9zzp
  Replies (6) Good night (2550) Bad night (788)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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  (617): just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil. http://tfl.nu/drc4
  Replies (13) Good night (7368) Bad night (1233)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

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  (815): I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico! http://tfl.nu/4kc0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"

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  (248): I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train" http://tfl.nu/x0cf
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  2.5

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  (740): How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement? (1-740): 2.5 http://tfl.nu/yjjp
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  (818): View more from California

  They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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  (818): They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps... http://tfl.nu/7lmv
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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  (850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x
  Replies (14) Good night (7656) Bad night (1313) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude you has no fucking this poptart

  (719): View more from Colorado

  What?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I dont know to explain this.

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  (843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s
  Replies (35) Good night (6506) Bad night (1250)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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  (517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

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  (908): This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/5cs7
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  (972): View more from Texas

  My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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  (972): My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B. http://tfl.nu/k9ee
  Replies (10) Good night (972) Bad night (3339)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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  (970): And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out http://tfl.nu/oush
  Replies (12) Good night (6003) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14311) Bad night (2672) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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  (604): Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be. http://tfl.nu/j7k8
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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  (305): I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls http://tfl.nu/u8nd
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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  (757): And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate." http://tfl.nu/e62b
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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  (732): Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab. http://tfl.nu/smzr
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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  (613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!" http://tfl.nu/plpd
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

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  (302): I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night http://tfl.nu/y9ju
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.

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  (508): billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down. http://tfl.nu/h3l0
  Replies (11) Good night (1008) Bad night (3466) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
  Replies (34) Good night (20279) Bad night (1531) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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  (260): Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens. http://tfl.nu/pxin
  Replies (31) Good night (11297) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She acts like you when your on meds

  (510): View more from California

  She acts like batman?

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  (616): She acts like you when your on meds (510): She acts like batman? http://tfl.nu/zvs9
  Replies (17) Good night (6184) Bad night (598)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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  (412): I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory. http://tfl.nu/1joi
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  (619): View more from California

  Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

  (1-619): View more from California

  I am not bailing you of of jail

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  (619): Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now.. (1-619): I am not bailing you of of jail http://tfl.nu/exjk
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
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  (518): View more from New York

  and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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  (518): and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card http://tfl.nu/bprl
  Replies (30) Good night (2254) Bad night (7711)
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

  (1-416): View more from Ontario

  u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

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  (416): I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck. (1-416): u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u http://tfl.nu/rica
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  (858): View more from California

  I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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  (858): I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits" http://tfl.nu/l1ei
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year

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  (847): my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year http://tfl.nu/4eng
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who'd you have sex with.

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  (610): terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions. (1-610): who'd you have sex with. http://tfl.nu/97tl
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  How did you steal an entire pie?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I don't know. It's in my purse.

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  (503): How did you steal an entire pie? (602): I don't know. It's in my purse. http://tfl.nu/b3mp
  Replies (22) Good night (11227) Bad night (926)
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  (718): View more from New York

  At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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  (718): At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down. http://tfl.nu/ki6l
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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  (704): You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass. http://tfl.nu/jig4
  Replies (18) Good night (5285) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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  (805): We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened. http://tfl.nu/qapw
  Replies (20) Good night (9207) Bad night (630)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning

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  (512): remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning http://tfl.nu/4vog
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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  (636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. http://tfl.nu/elt7
  Replies (38) Good night (2437) Bad night (6067)
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Alcohol?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Sex with a fat chick.

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  (601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next? (318): Alcohol? (601): Sex with a fat chick. http://tfl.nu/6g9z
  Replies (16) Good night (707) Bad night (1456)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (80) Good night (44158) Bad night (1706) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86085) Bad night (8380)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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  (812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke
  Replies (194) Good night (38123) Bad night (1492) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
  Replies (63) Good night (56999) Bad night (1222)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Grow some girl-balls and come out already

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  (703): Grow some girl-balls and come out already http://tfl.nu/dlf5
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  (619): View more from California

  We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

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  (619): We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants http://tfl.nu/owqu
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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  (818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. http://tfl.nu/1b0y
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I should injure you considerably.

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  (847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so. (1-847): I should injure you considerably. http://tfl.nu/3r9j
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  where are you

  (303): View more from Colorado

  in your bedroom

  (602): View more from Arizona

  how did you get in

  (303): View more from Colorado

  your wife…

  (602): View more from Arizona

  WTF

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  (602): where are you (303): in your bedroom (602): how did you get in (303): your wife… (602): WTF http://tfl.nu/cmfn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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  (303): At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends. (1-303): At about the same time you guys weren't burritos. http://tfl.nu/mxci
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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  (603): GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED (1-603): I feel like half our conversations start this way. http://tfl.nu/9770
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  (845): View more from New York

  Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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  (845): Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore. http://tfl.nu/7ot8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too

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  (610): on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too http://tfl.nu/acnp
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations

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  (816): Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations http://tfl.nu/6ok5
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.

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  (412): You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night. http://tfl.nu/f2ed
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.

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  (919): I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here. http://tfl.nu/lixe
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  (315): View more from New York

  im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

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  (315): im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor http://tfl.nu/m26k
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  (845): View more from New York

  u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap

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  (845): u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap http://tfl.nu/abw0
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  (310): View more from California

  Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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  (310): Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck (312): Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to? http://tfl.nu/odqf
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Is that you in the white hat?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Fine suit yourself

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  (248): Is that you in the white hat? (248): Fine suit yourself http://tfl.nu/yncz
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.

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  (609): I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old. http://tfl.nu/3g8e
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  (408): View more from California

  booty call

  (925): View more from California

  i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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  (408): booty call (925): i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy. http://tfl.nu/xuna
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

  (210): View more from Texas

  S P E L L C H E C K

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  No you dumbass thats not right

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  (808): how do you spell 'special'? like slow? (210): S P E L L C H E C K (808): No you dumbass thats not right http://tfl.nu/z6b5
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

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  (517): I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen. http://tfl.nu/y9v8
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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  (717): Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision. http://tfl.nu/qwmb
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.

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  (740): i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle. http://tfl.nu/qqa2
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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  (865): we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door (865): and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice http://tfl.nu/lffl
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  (707): View more from California

  I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

  (559): View more from California

  sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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  (707): I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n (559): sry, psychiatrist trumps professor http://tfl.nu/qnkf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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  (404): dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs http://tfl.nu/cgkd
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  (281): View more from Texas

  He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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  (281): He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back. http://tfl.nu/ko52
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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  (434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes. (1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/t985
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex

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  (314): he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex http://tfl.nu/lecw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"

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  (410): i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??" http://tfl.nu/civz
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  (915): View more from Texas

  so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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  (915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on (1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me http://tfl.nu/h8za
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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  (443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka http://tfl.nu/4spi
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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  (905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich http://tfl.nu/gjvv
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  (310): View more from California

  Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

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  (310): Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho http://tfl.nu/chvf
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  (530): View more from California

  He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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  (530): He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me. http://tfl.nu/h0f1
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  (714): View more from California

  found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.

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  (714): found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner. http://tfl.nu/5d6x
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds

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  (412): I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds http://tfl.nu/2vvx
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?

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  (937): Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low? http://tfl.nu/96gj
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

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  (612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big? http://tfl.nu/wlg7
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

  (623): View more from Arizona

  You mean Doughnuts?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  ......No :(

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  (602): I just woke up to me licking the dognuts (623): You mean Doughnuts? (602): ......No :( http://tfl.nu/8azm
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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  (802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME??? http://tfl.nu/x0d6
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.

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  (401): I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped. http://tfl.nu/rhrp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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  (703): we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret' http://tfl.nu/447f
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

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  (972): Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think? http://tfl.nu/cxvx
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  (831): View more from California

  period poops. best. ever.

  (925): View more from California

  omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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  (831): period poops. best. ever. (925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that... http://tfl.nu/lwj4
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
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  (909): View more from California

  WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN

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  (909): WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN http://tfl.nu/7vj7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

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  (617): just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet http://tfl.nu/fxai
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.

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  (203): We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom. http://tfl.nu/yf2o
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  (805): View more from California

  you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

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  (805): you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out. http://tfl.nu/ndw1
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  (560): View more from

  I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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  (560): I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time? http://tfl.nu/wzlt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me

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  (940): there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me http://tfl.nu/wugh
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

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  (502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!! http://tfl.nu/qcph
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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  (514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed. http://tfl.nu/qdrd
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  (212): View more from New York

  Your dad touched me again.

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  (212): Your dad touched me again. http://tfl.nu/syvf
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

  (623): View more from Arizona

  What did she do!?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I didn't tell her...

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  (602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her... (623): What did she do!? (602): I didn't tell her... http://tfl.nu/i351
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  (408): View more from California

  She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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  (408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that. (717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother... http://tfl.nu/ehm3
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

  (703): View more from Virginia

  this can't be going anywhere good

  (571): View more from Virginia

  nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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  (571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah.. (703): this can't be going anywhere good (571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\ http://tfl.nu/4i13
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
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  (209): View more from California

  he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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  (209): he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period http://tfl.nu/tso5
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  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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  (847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way http://tfl.nu/rl6u
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
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  (619): View more from California

  just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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  (619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room http://tfl.nu/3g7q
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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  (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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