Texts From Last Night

badmotherfuker86's Favorites Texts:

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  (231): View more from Michigan

  My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

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  (231): My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping. http://tfl.nu/e8qk
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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  (502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh
  Replies (118) Good night (22193) Bad night (1988) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
  Replies (29) Good night (16258) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
  Replies (28) Good night (4591) Bad night (535)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning

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  (615): Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning http://tfl.nu/j3ex
  Replies (7) Good night (1087) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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  (718): you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out http://tfl.nu/3q0w
  Replies (18) Good night (4882) Bad night (616)
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  (310): View more from California

  He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.

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  (310): He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him. http://tfl.nu/0w0d
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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  (210): I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful. http://tfl.nu/5n8j
  Replies (7) Good night (1369) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

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  (480): I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level. http://tfl.nu/m64o
  Replies (5) Good night (2471) Bad night (230)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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  (419): I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me. (1-419): I'm out of town so we should be golden. http://tfl.nu/4amm
  Replies (5) Good night (1753) Bad night (151)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.

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  (440): im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know. http://tfl.nu/c5k4
  Replies (11) Good night (1753) Bad night (162)
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  (818): View more from California

  Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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  (818): Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful. http://tfl.nu/9blw
  Replies (15) Good night (1899) Bad night (4310) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

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  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4173) Bad night (314)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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  (480): In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.." http://tfl.nu/m3fa
  Replies (6) Good night (2404) Bad night (292) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

  (1-914): View more from New York

  that is WHY your in summer classes

  (914): View more from New York

  worth it

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  (914): Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class (1-914): that is WHY your in summer classes (914): worth it http://tfl.nu/1hzd
  Replies (10) Good night (3567) Bad night (520)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  HE'S 26!!!

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  (208): His mom took away his car and made him quit his job. (1-208): HE'S 26!!! http://tfl.nu/2fqd
  Replies (66) Good night (542) Bad night (6172) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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  (208): You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian. http://tfl.nu/g8r4
  Replies (12) Good night (2241) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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  (636): You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults. http://tfl.nu/yz23
  Replies (3) Good night (1757) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.

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  (613): Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day. http://tfl.nu/48u4
  Replies (10) Good night (1690) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.

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  (303): You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead. http://tfl.nu/vdho
  Replies (1) Good night (1688) Bad night (206)
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  (916): View more from California

  the gays at disneyland are vicious

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  (916): the gays at disneyland are vicious http://tfl.nu/i9ir
  Replies (12) Good night (1449) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical

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  (614): you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical http://tfl.nu/syu3
  Replies (6) Good night (1189) Bad night (235) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Are you high?

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  (701): I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea. (1-701): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/ioya
  Replies (6) Good night (1022) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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  (610): he was once again the drunkest girl at the party http://tfl.nu/18ag
  Replies (4) Good night (1687) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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  (905): Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass. http://tfl.nu/tco3
  Replies (9) Good night (3879) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.

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  (941): Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there. (1-941): That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis. http://tfl.nu/r1u9
  Replies (36) Good night (746) Bad night (3218)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  The bars here don't close until 4!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  my legs don't close until 4

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  (407): The bars here don't close until 4! (703): my legs don't close until 4 http://tfl.nu/ja9y
  Replies (27) Good night (3443) Bad night (343)
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  (949): View more from California

  youre so sexy i want your bod

  (410): View more from Maryland

  dude, did you turn gay?

  (949): View more from California

  heather?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  this is jacob

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  (949): youre so sexy i want your bod (410): dude, did you turn gay? (949): heather? (410): this is jacob http://tfl.nu/gn2b
  Replies (14) Good night (672) Bad night (1755)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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  (703): I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number. http://tfl.nu/ol2r
  Replies (19) Good night (6688) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
  Replies (29) Good night (32212) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring

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  (816): I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring http://tfl.nu/n1of
  Replies (2) Good night (1806) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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  (806): I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned. http://tfl.nu/pksd
  Replies (4) Good night (657) Bad night (3760)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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  (512): I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench. http://tfl.nu/bsle
  Replies (9) Good night (2986) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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  (734): Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters..... http://tfl.nu/8dbk
  Replies (5) Good night (1449) Bad night (362)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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  (573): Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos. http://tfl.nu/hx66
  Replies (17) Good night (2148) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  How's your threesome situation going?

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  Optimistic

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  (401): How's your threesome situation going? (1-401): Optimistic http://tfl.nu/dkbu
  Replies (3) Good night (1412) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?

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  (405): Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night? http://tfl.nu/sl90
  Replies (12) Good night (527) Bad night (1143) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  this is the second day in a row.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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  (330): I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza. (216): this is the second day in a row. (330): Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then. http://tfl.nu/tsfk
  Replies (6) Good night (1625) Bad night (440)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.

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  (401): I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan. http://tfl.nu/w9o4
  Replies (3) Good night (1185) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
  Replies (14) Good night (1444) Bad night (4494)
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  (979): View more from Texas

  i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.

  (903): View more from Texas

  wow. i have no words.

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  (979): i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door. (903): wow. i have no words. http://tfl.nu/bjsv
  Replies (29) Good night (5449) Bad night (740)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...

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  (703): It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement... http://tfl.nu/l7x1
  Replies (8) Good night (1786) Bad night (1477)
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  (518): View more from New York

  Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

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  (518): Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday. http://tfl.nu/c6q7
  Replies (11) Good night (2987) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.

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  (703): I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain. http://tfl.nu/pmdt
  Replies (20) Good night (5416) Bad night (721) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  come over

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  (402): hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face. (1-402): come over http://tfl.nu/v8ye
  Replies (25) Good night (7039) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  I see a marketing opportunity

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  (703): I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off! (1-703): I see a marketing opportunity http://tfl.nu/gn9o
  Replies (61) Good night (4274) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

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  (801): he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have? http://tfl.nu/qwp7
  Replies (18) Good night (886) Bad night (2719) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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  (757): Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :( http://tfl.nu/ztju
  Replies (24) Good night (2979) Bad night (408)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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  (208): so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/25ho
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  #1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.

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  (313): #1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned. http://tfl.nu/f6q8
  Replies (7) Good night (1234) Bad night (310)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

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  (503): Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck. http://tfl.nu/nubl
  Replies (11) Good night (316) Bad night (1082) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.

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  (203): Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/7e62
  Replies (8) Good night (1976) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (835): View more from Pennsylvania

  The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving

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  (835): The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving http://tfl.nu/ks9z
  Replies (7) Good night (1961) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

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  (973): he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade. http://tfl.nu/270g
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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  (417): Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink. http://tfl.nu/412l
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.

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  (+44): I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it. http://tfl.nu/xxfg
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  (310): View more from California

  It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw

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  (310): It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw http://tfl.nu/ozdy
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?

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  (902): Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions? http://tfl.nu/r2b3
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding

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  (603): When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding http://tfl.nu/lhu6
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

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  (848): a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving http://tfl.nu/nqcq
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.

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  (419): I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home. http://tfl.nu/9c0m
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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  (904): I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast... http://tfl.nu/hk8s
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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  (704 ): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is http://tfl.nu/z1kt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  he ran through my sliding door

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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  (815): he ran through my sliding door (1-815): in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers http://tfl.nu/3l97
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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  (316): Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired. http://tfl.nu/ogws
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

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  (202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  you smoke with your eyes?

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  (203): i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed (787): you smoke with your eyes? http://tfl.nu/xom7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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  (617): I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes." http://tfl.nu/5alc
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  (714): View more from California

  I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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  (714): I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters. http://tfl.nu/itk8
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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  (515): It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful. http://tfl.nu/3wbb
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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  (757): So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real. http://tfl.nu/gd5o
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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  (708): She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin. http://tfl.nu/wbej
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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  (443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx
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  (559): View more from California

  you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you

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  (559): you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you http://tfl.nu/hdb5
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

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  (443): the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this. http://tfl.nu/g4cn
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.

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  (647): So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me. http://tfl.nu/qz95
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.

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  (410): I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming. http://tfl.nu/sdt5
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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  (231): I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon. http://tfl.nu/pf2r
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

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  (586): There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks http://tfl.nu/aadi
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  details please.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

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  (317): dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life. (1-317): details please. (317): they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first." http://tfl.nu/d384
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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  (484): judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog. http://tfl.nu/kq70
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

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  (703): Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf? http://tfl.nu/zyca
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.

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  (678): I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real. http://tfl.nu/66oa
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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  (907): Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed" (414): I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea http://tfl.nu/3884
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

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  (330): Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me. http://tfl.nu/h3wh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

  (540): View more from Virginia

  awesome babe! drinks tonight!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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  (703): Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :) (540): awesome babe! drinks tonight! (703): Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck. http://tfl.nu/zccd
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl

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  (918): He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl http://tfl.nu/2qwr
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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  (419): They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that. http://tfl.nu/gjrr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

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  (703): There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened. http://tfl.nu/llik
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

  (+48): View more from Poland

  Poland

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  (+44): You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you? (+48): Poland http://tfl.nu/96rz
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

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  (717): Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment. http://tfl.nu/vmb7
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  (772): View more from Florida

  You're fine

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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  (772): You're fine (585): I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine. http://tfl.nu/gnen
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

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  (610): You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j615
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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  (+44): That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard. http://tfl.nu/cdhm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?

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  (519): yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem? http://tfl.nu/qi5q
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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  (912): She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone. http://tfl.nu/cxjj
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  when does round two start

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent

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  (202): when does round two start (703): I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent http://tfl.nu/4op2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.

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  (703): I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway. http://tfl.nu/26i6
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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  (732): i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends http://tfl.nu/aaz6
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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  (757): Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this. http://tfl.nu/ylyg
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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  (401): I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first http://tfl.nu/owtg
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

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  (703): I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking. http://tfl.nu/6jrt
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  (650): View more from California

  barbara walters just said penis...

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  (650): barbara walters just said penis... http://tfl.nu/ninz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt

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  (410): halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt http://tfl.nu/2dpk
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