Texts From Last Night

Smurfy117's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals http://tfl.nu/3npx
  Replies (5) Good night (568) Bad night (184) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings. http://tfl.nu/8k6q
  Replies (2) Good night (457) Bad night (118) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs. http://tfl.nu/qa5n
  Replies (5) Good night (339) Bad night (1030) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!" http://tfl.nu/v5cm
  Replies (2) Good night (1098) Bad night (235) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack http://tfl.nu/0ld5
  Replies (3) Good night (608) Bad night (438) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though. http://tfl.nu/tou6
  Replies (10) Good night (1575) Bad night (330)
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?! http://tfl.nu/6znz
  Replies (5) Good night (658) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs" http://tfl.nu/gwkh
  Replies (4) Good night (1460) Bad night (342)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive http://tfl.nu/jyc3
  Replies (3) Good night (1331) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey http://tfl.nu/3j62
  Replies (5) Good night (1245) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (931): I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds. http://tfl.nu/alhy
  Replies (1) Good night (803) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens http://tfl.nu/mv4i
  Replies (13) Good night (1961) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE. http://tfl.nu/afff
  Replies (4) Good night (1310) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked. http://tfl.nu/770z
  Replies (4) Good night (1523) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME. http://tfl.nu/yb98
  Replies (10) Good night (589) Bad night (1127) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD http://tfl.nu/nf04
  Replies (8) Good night (1226) Bad night (310)
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you. http://tfl.nu/kkcg
  Replies (4) Good night (556) Bad night (1283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU http://tfl.nu/vl39
  Replies (6) Good night (1929) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (831): View more from California

  She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (831): She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock" http://tfl.nu/hp1z
  Replies (26) Good night (4635) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO http://tfl.nu/dlgw
  Replies (23) Good night (3808) Bad night (426)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow... http://tfl.nu/1e3j
  Replies (8) Good night (3048) Bad night (444)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice http://tfl.nu/vmg8
  Replies (5) Good night (769) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face. http://tfl.nu/ufsv
  Replies (10) Good night (480) Bad night (1496) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets.... http://tfl.nu/2q79
  Replies (12) Good night (828) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun. http://tfl.nu/ajrj
  Replies (6) Good night (1539) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (830): View more from Texas

  we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (830): we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked. http://tfl.nu/50u7
  Replies (8) Good night (2177) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before. http://tfl.nu/yzzl
  Replies (7) Good night (1031) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down! http://tfl.nu/7qyi
  Replies (12) Good night (1144) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him http://tfl.nu/yvui
  Replies (12) Good night (2157) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper?? http://tfl.nu/82gs
  Replies (6) Good night (1476) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag http://tfl.nu/a7zv
  Replies (5) Good night (1454) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/iewi
  Replies (6) Good night (1670) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

  (310): View more from California

  well did you say yes?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible (310): well did you say yes? http://tfl.nu/94vg
  Replies (9) Good night (2160) Bad night (1399)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid. http://tfl.nu/45so
  Replies (11) Good night (2396) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk. http://tfl.nu/87wr
  Replies (14) Good night (2828) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  You dont lie about slip and slides

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): You dont lie about slip and slides http://tfl.nu/1239
  Replies (9) Good night (1574) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell. http://tfl.nu/zj5n
  Replies (14) Good night (2370) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (525): View more from

  It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (525): It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am? http://tfl.nu/0yre
  Replies (14) Good night (3411) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous http://tfl.nu/ltir
  Replies (14) Good night (1073) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts http://tfl.nu/dne4
  Replies (2) Good night (921) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
  Replies (12) Good night (6202) Bad night (551)
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer http://tfl.nu/lzgu
  Replies (7) Good night (1560) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (580): That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously. http://tfl.nu/nlfm
  Replies (4) Good night (1055) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off http://tfl.nu/fxgn
  Replies (8) Good night (1169) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams http://tfl.nu/o9iv
  Replies (5) Good night (1121) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/ixaa
  Replies (8) Good night (1337) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (863): View more from Florida

  my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (863): my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car. http://tfl.nu/8sk6
  Replies (10) Good night (1490) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen http://tfl.nu/aug1
  Replies (14) Good night (808) Bad night (2421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything. http://tfl.nu/veiz
  Replies (9) Good night (1557) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes. http://tfl.nu/2pgh
  Replies (13) Good night (3275) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  You fucked her?! HER?!

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): You fucked her?! HER?! (1-205): She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir. http://tfl.nu/jld9
  Replies (6) Good night (3467) Bad night (505)
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina. http://tfl.nu/c849
  Replies (16) Good night (2502) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed http://tfl.nu/z6o3
  Replies (5) Good night (1227) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair http://tfl.nu/q3gk
  Replies (6) Good night (614) Bad night (1447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else. http://tfl.nu/cpkz
  Replies (11) Good night (3344) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love. http://tfl.nu/b9x6
  Replies (2) Good night (1421) Bad night (539)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends. http://tfl.nu/r3vo
  Replies (3) Good night (1556) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it. http://tfl.nu/q6wi
  Replies (9) Good night (1340) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce http://tfl.nu/7uec
  Replies (2) Good night (836) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down... http://tfl.nu/5zyg
  Replies (6) Good night (2299) Bad night (515)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits. http://tfl.nu/8psa
  Replies (2) Good night (1151) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public. http://tfl.nu/k68k
  Replies (9) Good night (2630) Bad night (433)
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that?? http://tfl.nu/2mxl
  Replies (9) Good night (1564) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring http://tfl.nu/ljb6
  Replies (10) Good night (2675) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well. http://tfl.nu/39wu
  Replies (20) Good night (7390) Bad night (542)
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin. http://tfl.nu/eslz
  Replies (5) Good night (2272) Bad night (654)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober. http://tfl.nu/gztw
  Replies (5) Good night (1356) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought http://tfl.nu/myue
  Replies (12) Good night (2607) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (574): View more from Indiana

  all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (574): all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked http://tfl.nu/pht3
  Replies (8) Good night (2424) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible http://tfl.nu/fm0j
  Replies (4) Good night (1515) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless. http://tfl.nu/cdoe
  Replies (9) Good night (2886) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  So. She dumped me today.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): So. She dumped me today. (425): Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving". http://tfl.nu/4be4
  Replies (12) Good night (1089) Bad night (3278)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut. http://tfl.nu/vwy6
  Replies (8) Good night (4890) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks http://tfl.nu/gqzi
  Replies (11) Good night (3234) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller." http://tfl.nu/x4em
  Replies (21) Good night (2776) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place. http://tfl.nu/k1hb
  Replies (30) Good night (1243) Bad night (1881) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something? http://tfl.nu/hj44
  Replies (17) Good night (4453) Bad night (1078) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level. http://tfl.nu/8m2b
  Replies (3) Good night (2219) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums http://tfl.nu/g3fl
  Replies (4) Good night (1631) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (979): View more from Texas

  I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (979): I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after http://tfl.nu/y0mb
  Replies (8) Good night (4547) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified. http://tfl.nu/iywq
  Replies (12) Good night (941) Bad night (1872) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog http://tfl.nu/dk0r
  Replies (23) Good night (4812) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds. http://tfl.nu/g0ca
  Replies (6) Good night (1404) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (323): It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent http://tfl.nu/xdm3
  Replies (12) Good night (2692) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong http://tfl.nu/lmgu
  Replies (9) Good night (1728) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
  Replies (41) Good night (7981) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day. http://tfl.nu/olid
  Replies (23) Good night (4610) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sorry. Im on my way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face. (262): Sorry. Im on my way. http://tfl.nu/us1r
  Replies (22) Good night (5909) Bad night (734)
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough. http://tfl.nu/qsaq
  Replies (12) Good night (3019) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes. http://tfl.nu/cpyt
  Replies (8) Good night (2169) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina http://tfl.nu/8dig
  Replies (28) Good night (1239) Bad night (2476) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester. http://tfl.nu/dsii
  Replies (7) Good night (3170) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (24) Good night (6256) Bad night (649)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break http://tfl.nu/zc4l
  Replies (4) Good night (1745) Bad night (530)
• Favorite

  (244): View more from

  There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (244): There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other http://tfl.nu/rd7y
  Replies (2) Good night (1625) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one. http://tfl.nu/c556
  Replies (5) Good night (1582) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum http://tfl.nu/egi2
  Replies (10) Good night (2858) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities http://tfl.nu/y8n2
  Replies (3) Good night (2356) Bad night (1187) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6767) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it. http://tfl.nu/tfef
  Replies (19) Good night (1070) Bad night (2348)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip. http://tfl.nu/7yby
  Replies (63) Good night (2927) Bad night (5092)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game http://tfl.nu/de08
  Replies (13) Good night (1541) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his. http://tfl.nu/2lgm
  Replies (15) Good night (2375) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING http://tfl.nu/kogd
  Replies (7) Good night (3023) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist. http://tfl.nu/83tl
  Replies (7) Good night (2613) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j
  Replies (13) Good night (8159) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash http://tfl.nu/jeu8
  Replies (10) Good night (2379) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude? (908): It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer. http://tfl.nu/qzgh
  Replies (3) Good night (2072) Bad night (551)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true. http://tfl.nu/3n2b
  Replies (13) Good night (2366) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting. http://tfl.nu/fbmg
  Replies (6) Good night (2563) Bad night (388) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
  Replies (10) Good night (1547) Bad night (2991) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision. http://tfl.nu/w9kf
  Replies (24) Good night (3530) Bad night (1003) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
  Replies (57) Good night (20177) Bad night (1248) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh
  Replies (118) Good night (23013) Bad night (2278) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
  Replies (45) Good night (23024) Bad night (1119) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
  Replies (48) Good night (25469) Bad night (1344)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
  Replies (91) Good night (24627) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
  Replies (45) Good night (25453) Bad night (1101) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
  Replies (55) Good night (26477) Bad night (2256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (27841) Bad night (1804) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w
  Replies (84) Good night (27558) Bad night (1020)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
  Replies (54) Good night (27307) Bad night (2522) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
  Replies (35) Good night (29640) Bad night (1293) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
  Replies (41) Good night (30899) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland. http://tfl.nu/ca0n
  Replies (71) Good night (29373) Bad night (1299) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
  Replies (157) Good night (31292) Bad night (1128) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
  Replies (91) Good night (30858) Bad night (1046) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
  Replies (180) Good night (36470) Bad night (4994)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38423) Bad night (3077)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
  Replies (144) Good night (39911) Bad night (1315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
  Replies (124) Good night (42338) Bad night (1227) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
  Replies (124) Good night (40851) Bad night (2621)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (80) Good night (44158) Bad night (1706) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
  Replies (110) Good night (45985) Bad night (2487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
  Replies (118) Good night (44957) Bad night (3384) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (51701) Bad night (2735) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
  Replies (77) Good night (51911) Bad night (2025) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (60858) Bad night (1897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (235) Good night (64853) Bad night (2525)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62265) Bad night (4269)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (200) Good night (80199) Bad night (4310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86084) Bad night (8380)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
  Replies (165) Good night (90240) Bad night (3874) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112227) Bad night (9731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
  Replies (127) Good night (127098) Bad night (2833) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142170) Bad night (9315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka http://tfl.nu/av0z
  Replies (8) Good night (1359) Bad night (2120) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks. http://tfl.nu/fb5x
  Replies (8) Good night (2601) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (289): View more from Ontario

  You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (289): You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person. http://tfl.nu/dofi
  Replies (14) Good night (3128) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you. http://tfl.nu/crxb
  Replies (9) Good night (3187) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips. http://tfl.nu/10y5
  Replies (14) Good night (3108) Bad night (1712) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (606): Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens http://tfl.nu/90cr
  Replies (9) Good night (3586) Bad night (841) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy http://tfl.nu/yxp4
  Replies (14) Good night (1976) Bad night (2451) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls http://tfl.nu/crru
  Replies (8) Good night (2135) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth". http://tfl.nu/9ke1
  Replies (19) Good night (2621) Bad night (1367) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one. http://tfl.nu/8bgn
  Replies (3) Good night (2920) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day. http://tfl.nu/kwoe
  Replies (32) Good night (2201) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night? http://tfl.nu/53hk
  Replies (7) Good night (3714) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning... http://tfl.nu/es8o
  Replies (6) Good night (2562) Bad night (650)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked http://tfl.nu/fbnh
  Replies (4) Good night (2502) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care. http://tfl.nu/ywjo
  Replies (5) Good night (3193) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD http://tfl.nu/5vxn
  Replies (20) Good night (772) Bad night (5623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!'' http://tfl.nu/g7vx
  Replies (22) Good night (7007) Bad night (752)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo? http://tfl.nu/2zc2
  Replies (5) Good night (2488) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
  Replies (10) Good night (5931) Bad night (1260) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point. http://tfl.nu/tew1
  Replies (19) Good night (4051) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (559): View more from California

  Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (559): Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out. http://tfl.nu/isge
  Replies (7) Good night (2649) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (620): You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on. http://tfl.nu/djzq
  Replies (10) Good night (3549) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt