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I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
sarcasm needs its own font
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
pop tarts are not kleenex
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
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